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My life has been filled with fear for a long time.  It's hard to pin point when exactly it started/escalated, but I know it was there towards the end of summer 2008 when I decided there was something wrong with our TTC efforts.  Once we got the azoospermia diagnosis, the fear really sunk in.  The specific fears have morphed over time and changed as we've passed different milestones.  Some fears have been realized and we have luckily passed through some. I know that the fears will only change form again and be amplified when our little one is here.  One of my fears now, that has been manifesting in my dreams is feeding her.  In the dreams, I haven't been able to breastfeed, or she hasn't taken to it, or I forget to feed her for a day or two, or I don't see her for a couple of days and my  milk dries up.  These dreams come several times a week! Before we started our cycle, my MIL got me a Saint Jude pendant.  We are not religious people, but I took the pendant to keep

I've had so much to do these past few weeks!  Work is keeping me really busy!  I've been getting home so late and have had things to do after work. There has also been some family drama that I've been dealing with.  Mostly MIL related.  She needs things to do in her life, and right now stirring up non-existent issues is what is filling that void.  It doesn't help that she gets so drunk that she treats people like shit, and explodes yelling at people for ridiculous things.  For example, last weekend, I was accused of, "Ripping apart the family and destroying BIL's life" because I made plans for my husband's birthday that fall on the same weekend as BIL's pregnant sort-of-ex GF's baby shower.  Now, I didn't know about this shower, nor have I been invited to it.  I wouldn't want to go anyway because I don't like her, plus she lives over 5 hours away from where I live.  And then there's the fact that I haven't been invited! In o

Sorry for my absence.  This school year has been kicking my butt.  I don't really have tons to say!  Nothing is really going on.  Yesterday we had an assembly at school, and when the whole room was chanting together, baby would totally start moving!  It was really funny and cool for me.   I've started loading up on baby gear!  I have quite a few coworkers with young children who are done having kids.  THeir husbands have wanted them to get rid of things, so we now have a crib, a swing, a pack-n-play, an activity mat, an exersaucer, a changing pad, and a vibrating chair thing.  There's probably more that I'm forgetting.  I've also started my cloth diaper supply.  I think we are set for up to 20 pounds or so!  I'm hoping to get more one size AIOs though.  I've also gotten a few clothing items for this baby.  Not too many, but I just had to get a couple of things!   How Far Along?   18 weeks Total Weight Gain?  1-3  pounds, depending on when I las