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Father's Day has been a hard day for me for the past 15 years- since my dad died.  Last year, Father's Day was a disaster.  In looking back at that post and the following, I realized that I never talked about what a disaster that BBQ ended up being. I couldn't put on the fake happy face last year.  Well, I did okay for the first 30 minutes, until my SIL started whining about how hard her life is, and how awful it is to be across the country from her family.  She wanted to be with her dad, but had to settle for an hour long phone call.  I'd have to kill myself to be with my family, and she just has to get on a plane, but everything for her is the worst thing anyone could ever experience.  Her son broke both of his arms at the end of March, and had to have one rebroken and reset a few weeks ago, and she has the nerve to post on Facebook that that is the worst thing that could ever happen to a child.  No joke.  I just wanted to smack her for that. ...

Well, last night was a relative success.  There were no problems, really, with anyone.  It was nice.  I was ready to leave a bit earlier than we did, but whatever.  My FIL and I got into a nice heated discussion about school vouchers.  We totally disagree, but had a nice hug after.  I had a minute to tell BIL that I have an update on what he will be involved in.  He asked to come for dinner and spend the night tomorrow night, and said we'd talk then (he got a new job much closer to our house than his).  So, we may actually have some sort of an answer from him on Monday. 

I haven't seen the IL's or anyone other than potential donor BIL (who we still haven't heard from) since Christmas .  That will all change on Saturday.  We are going to B's parents house for dinner, and it will be the exact same cast of characters in the exact same place as Christmas.  I'm really worried about how this is all going to play out.  I really don't want to go crazy there.  I know what I need to do so that doesn't happen, but the problem with that is the execution.  I never want to lose it, but it inevitably happens.  I drink too much when I am with them (although this was not the problem at Christmas). SIL drives me nuts.  She's a two-faced trash talker.  She will go from person to person around the house talking trash about someone.  She talks trash to me about BIL's girlfriend and our MIL, she talks trash to BIL's gf about me and MIL, and she talks trash to MIL about anyone she can think of.  BIL's gf is someone I can'...

Well, as expected, I had a pretty crappy Christmas.  Christmas eve was actually the best part.  We always celebrate on Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family.  That was actually fine.  Christmas day, not so much.  First, at my dad's side of the family lunch, I've never felt like such an outsider.  Christmas at the IL's started out fine.  BIL's dumb girlfriend decided to group each person's gifts in a pile, and we opened gifts one person at a time.  This took forever, and was kind of annoying.  For this group, we set up a gift exchange with B's brothers, so that we didn't have to buy for everyone.  I did the arranging for this, and think I did a good job.  I gave everyone opportunity to give input and include anyone else who was not included (didn't know if BIL's girlfriend was coming), compiled the responses, and sent out the information.  After all of that, B's brother went and got something for everyone, which really ...

My loving uncle A called the other day.  I haven't spoken to him on the phone since the day of that call in April.  We exchanged an email or two when he had some business he wanted to take care of.  Unlike that day 8 months ago, he did ask how things were going, before he sort of invited me to Christmas.  If the timing works, I'll likely go. The call was fairly late at night, after 8:30 pm, and I was being short in my responses, but mostly because I didn't know what to say. A:  Christmas will be at my house this year me:  Okay A:  You and B are more than welcome to come me:  Okay.  We're expected at B's parents' house at 4pm, so as long as yours is earlier in the day, that's fine. A:  Oh, we haven't gotten as far as planning a time yet me:  Well, let me know when you do and I'll let you know if we can come A:  Are you mad at me or something? me:  Is there a reason that I should be? A:  I don't know, I just felt like I...

I have a 'fun' weekend planned.  I will be defending my silver medal in a grape stomping contest in wine country in central California (yes, Ella, that wine country!).  There is lots of pressure for a repeat performance, and I feel like I am coming down with a cold!  I have to stomp my heart out for a minute or two at a time!  It doesn't sound like much, but it is like an all out sprint in half a wine barrel.  Last year, there were 72 teams in 6 heats of 12.  We won our heat, and went on to the finals.  The six heat winners competed again, and we came in second.  One person is in the barrel stomping and the other is keeping a screen over a hole in the bottom of the barrel clean for the juice to drip out.  The first to 4 cups of juice wins.  I'm not really looking forward to it.  I kinda don't want to go.  I hope it will be fun though.  It has potential for both good and bad.  Potential for SIL and BIL's gf drama.   SIL stole prescription meds from my purse l...

It's been half a year since my brother died. 6 months. It feels like no time has past, yet March feels like forever ago. It is hard to reconcile. I still think vividly of sitting in my classroom getting that phone call from my mom. The panic, as I ran out on my students (of course, telling the teacher next door to cover my class until someone could get there). His birthday is coming up. That's going to be a hard day. And, the holidays. It doesn't help that I hate going to work now. 168 more days of school. I need something to look forward to.

I'm finding myself having difficulty feeling things I 'think' I should feel. Right now, for instance, my logic tells me that I should be filled with nervous excitement with a touch of anxiety. Instead, I feel dread. I know the meds are supposed to help with anxiety, but where have my feelings gone? Have the sadness and despair wiped everything out? Is it the meds? Am I just over it? I know I am not completely dead inside, because I do a pretty good job of feeling like crap. I do have some surprise fleeting moments of laughter and excitement. I just with they lasted longer! The BBQ went pretty well. The girl I was stressed about and I didn't really interact much, as there were plenty of people for us to talk to and I spent a large part of the time working two grills. My SIL, however, did decide to take the keys and drive home drunk without telling anyone, leaving B's brother and their two kids stranded here. She didn't say much when she drove the ho...