dead inside

I'm finding myself having difficulty feeling things I 'think' I should feel. Right now, for instance, my logic tells me that I should be filled with nervous excitement with a touch of anxiety. Instead, I feel dread. I know the meds are supposed to help with anxiety, but where have my feelings gone? Have the sadness and despair wiped everything out? Is it the meds? Am I just over it? I know I am not completely dead inside, because I do a pretty good job of feeling like crap. I do have some surprise fleeting moments of laughter and excitement. I just with they lasted longer!

The BBQ went pretty well. The girl I was stressed about and I didn't really interact much, as there were plenty of people for us to talk to and I spent a large part of the time working two grills. My SIL, however, did decide to take the keys and drive home drunk without telling anyone, leaving B's brother and their two kids stranded here. She didn't say much when she drove the hour back the next morning to get them.

I have lots of thoughts, but am crazy at work.

Comments

  1. LorzaAugust 26, 2009 at 8:48 AM

    I think what you feel is what you feel- not really what is "right". Unless of course it is way out there- like laughing hysterically at a car wreck. I think for some people it is a coping mechanism- and maybe for you it is. I think medications can deaden feelings, but also life changing events..which can be a part of depression.
    The psyche is such a difficult thing to paint into black and white absolutes. "normal" is so varied from person to person. I think dread would be an appropriate feeling to have given what you have gone through recently. {{{HUGS}}

    (uh, does all that babbling make sense?)

    Glad the BBQ went well. I was praying for you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. NoelleAugust 26, 2009 at 6:06 PM

    One of the things I look forward to when I start taking the medication is feeling somewhat dead inside. It is so much better than feeling EVERY SINGLE THING to the nth degree. I am on week 3 of my meds, and have yet to get to the "dead inside" part. It is so ironic that you blogged about this, because I was describing this exact thing to a friend yesterday.

    I agree with Lorza, and think that it is normal for you to feel dread right now.

    If your medication is not working, don't hesitate to call your doctor and switch prescriptions or up your current dosage, especially if you have already given this one time to work.

    ReplyDelete
  3. itsazooaroundhereAugust 26, 2009 at 7:54 PM

    I'm sorry this is such a tough time for you. I think we all struggle with feeling that we're not feeling what we "should" be feeling. The things you've been through this year and recently surely would make it hard for you to enjoy everyday pleasures. I do hope the meds start working for you in the way you need them to.

    I'm glad the BBQ was OK - you survived!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. EAugust 27, 2009 at 4:27 AM

    Hi there. I just found you through Blogger Bingo. I just wanted to say (((hugs)))

    I look forward to following your journey.

    P.S. I don't know what meds you are on but I am on Zoloft and it has helped a great deal.

    ReplyDelete
  5. LinAugust 28, 2009 at 2:29 PM

    I'm simultaneously happy and sad for you that the meds are doing their job. I haven't experienced that feeling (yet, though my Xanax script is not far off), but my hubby suffers from severe chronic depression and he often complains of not really being able to feel anything...certainly not extreme highs and lows. I think that Noelle has a point though...

    I hope that you "feel" again soon.

    (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete

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