fears

My life has been filled with fear for a long time.  It's hard to pin point when exactly it started/escalated, but I know it was there towards the end of summer 2008 when I decided there was something wrong with our TTC efforts.  Once we got the azoospermia diagnosis, the fear really sunk in.  The specific fears have morphed over time and changed as we've passed different milestones.  Some fears have been realized and we have luckily passed through some.

I know that the fears will only change form again and be amplified when our little one is here.  One of my fears now, that has been manifesting in my dreams is feeding her.  In the dreams, I haven't been able to breastfeed, or she hasn't taken to it, or I forget to feed her for a day or two, or I don't see her for a couple of days and my  milk dries up.  These dreams come several times a week!

Before we started our cycle, my MIL got me a Saint Jude pendant.  We are not religious people, but I took the pendant to keep in my purse.  Saint Jude is the patron saint of hopeless cases, which seemed to fit our situation.  We were not lucky enough to find sperm with B (one of our biggest realized fears), but we've been lucky ever since.  As I keep trying to clean out my purse, I find this pendant, and can't take it out.  I don't like to believe in good luck charms and things like that, but I don't want to screw anything up!

I'm almost half way (or maybe I am half way) and I can feel her kicking.  B even felt a kick the other day!  It was a total shock to both of us!  I'm feeling pretty good, though I got pretty crampy yesterday.  I don't know if I over did it at work or what.  This is certainly an adventure!

Comments

  1. RachOctober 26, 2010 at 7:31 AM

    Huh, our realator gave us a little St. Jude statue to put on our fireplace when we were trying to sell out house. She said it was good luck, lol! I thought she was crazy. Glad it worked for you!!

    Happy half way point!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. someday-soonOctober 26, 2010 at 9:25 AM

    It's understandable that you've moved from fear to fear through this process. If your St Jude pendant provides any solice at all I say keep it right where it is =)

    Breastfeeding was a big fear for me as well and it went smoothly. One thing that really helped was a class I took on it. If your hospital offers one I recommend taking it, it helped calm my nerves and was the most useful class I took.

    ReplyDelete
  3. TexasRedOctober 26, 2010 at 11:43 AM

    We're only a few weeks ahead of you after IVF and I was definitely happy to hit the half-way point. Next mental milestone for me will be 24 weeks -- viability. Haven't felt them move yet, though, so that's my current worry to bring up with the OB on Friday.

    ReplyDelete
  4. mybumpyjourneyOctober 27, 2010 at 6:03 AM

    I love the St. Jude idea. I need to get me one of those! :) I am so excited for you, and so happy things are going well. <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. NoelleOctober 29, 2010 at 1:08 AM

    This is all so wonderful! For some reason I haven't seen your last few blog posts, and I was thrilled to read how well everything is going. And a girl??!!!! How fabulous!!!!

    I wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog about students who are unhealthily attached to their mother, and how I don't want that to be Baby B. It really hit home with me. I wish you knew how much. So, thank you, thank you, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. justadrienneNovember 2, 2010 at 2:04 PM

    "I forget to feed her for a day or two, or I don't see her for a couple of days and my milk dries up."

    I had several dreams just like this!

    And yeah, I totally know what you mean--I think it's a lasting IF mark that is hard to shake. It's just so hard to think that everything is really going to happen, you know?

    I was really scared of stillbirth/SIDS for awhile, but a few weeks ago I was thinking of my best friend who will be our birth photographer, and I got this image of a photograph in my mind, where I'm holding the baby right after giving birth, in that moment of pure joy. For some reason after that I knew it would be okay.

    Hopefully as you progress you'll be able to work through your fears, too. It is super normal. (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's you!

"It's you!  I just know it!  You've lost some weight, it must be because of the morning sickness!" No, it's not me.  I'm not pregnant. "But is HAS to be you.  Who else could it be?  You just don't want to tell because it is too early" No, really.  It's not me.  I promise.  I haven't cheated on my husband.   "Well, who else could it be?" Um, one of the other 20 teachers of child bearing age at this school.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've guessed the other two pregnant teachers, before I even knew there were pregnant teachers at my school.  I have 'pregodar' (like gaydar, but for preggos) and really can sense the preggos around me.  I hadn't pegged a 3rd teacher, but I heard a rumor that there is a third when I started being hounded, and I think I have it figured out.  Its the one on her 3rd engagement and 3rd marriage in 5 years.  She's reaching the top of her realistic baby time, so it makes sense. 
Read more

plugging along

Image
There really isn't much to say at this point.  I'm plugging along, doing fine. Yesterday, I bowed out of a BBQ with B's family.  In May I mentioned BIL's ex and her "surprise" (planned) pregnancy.  One of the reasons for this BBQ was for BIL's birthday, and she decided to drive down to attend (she's still living 5-6 hours away).  She's like 26 weeks pregnant, and the thought of having to spend the day with her made me feel ill.  BIL isn't planning on living with her and the baby or marrying her, but will go visit often.  She is such an attention whore, I couldn't deal with her talking about the baby and flaunting the fact that she is still around because of it.  I've felt a little bit of a cold coming on, so I exaggerated it and stayed home.  I did end up throwing up my dinner, so I'm glad I didn't go. I felt a little guilty about skipping out on this, but I got over it quickly.  MIL was hoping that B and I would announce our
Read more

off with the crazies

Well, as expected, I had a pretty crappy Christmas.  Christmas eve was actually the best part.  We always celebrate on Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family.  That was actually fine.  Christmas day, not so much.  First, at my dad's side of the family lunch, I've never felt like such an outsider.  Christmas at the IL's started out fine.  BIL's dumb girlfriend decided to group each person's gifts in a pile, and we opened gifts one person at a time.  This took forever, and was kind of annoying.  For this group, we set up a gift exchange with B's brothers, so that we didn't have to buy for everyone.  I did the arranging for this, and think I did a good job.  I gave everyone opportunity to give input and include anyone else who was not included (didn't know if BIL's girlfriend was coming), compiled the responses, and sent out the information.  After all of that, B's brother went and got something for everyone, which really set me off.  Be
Read more