terrified

It has been two weeks exactly (nearly to the minute) from the discovery of my brother's dead body. I was sitting at my desk at work, right where I am now, when the phone rang and my mom told me the horrible news. The past two weeks have, understandably, been a whirlwind of emotion for me.

I left my mom's house two weeks ago and all I could think was that I wished I were pregnant right now (well, duh!) because I felt like we needed something positive. Part of me still feels that way. My family really needs something good to happen, and I wish I could give that to them. He left a big hole when he died in the hearts of so many. A new addition to the family would not fill that hole, but hopefully it would take up some space inside so that the hole is more squished.

Now, at this point, I think I might be too afraid to even try to have kids. I don't know that I could handle a loss. I am too broken and shattered to deal with anything other than happy-bunny thoughts/events. I know that this could change over time, or even in a week. Right now, I don't think I'll be a mother. I can't handle my world crashing down on me. This sucks. The whole thing sucks.

Comments

  1. OpheliaMarch 30, 2009 at 1:51 PM

    {{{HUGS}}}

    ReplyDelete
  2. LorzaMarch 30, 2009 at 2:15 PM

    I am sorry Emmy. {{{HUGS}}}

    ReplyDelete
  3. 'Murgdan'March 30, 2009 at 2:25 PM

    Oh I am just so sorry :-(
    (hugs) from me too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. EllaMarch 30, 2009 at 3:48 PM

    Oh Emmy, I am so sorry. I understand that feeling very well, just in a different way. It's like our bodies and spirits just can't handle any more. Many ((((HUGS)))). You will be in my heart and my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  5. itsazooaroundhereMarch 30, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    I am so sorry. What an awful two weeks you've been through. I can't even imagine what you are feeling now, with regard to a future family. Maybe time will help you work through the difficult feelings and emotions.

    I'm sending you a huge hug. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  6. MissyMarch 30, 2009 at 7:04 PM

    {{HUGS}} Emmy, I can't even imagine how hard this must for you. I've been thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Somewhat OrdinaryMarch 31, 2009 at 6:52 AM

    Emmy, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I wish there was some sort of guarantee that you would get pregnant so that you wouldn't feel another loss. I'm thinking of you...

    ReplyDelete
  8. To A TMarch 31, 2009 at 10:18 AM

    Huge (((HUGS))

    I'm really sorry Emmy!

    ReplyDelete
  9. AshApril 1, 2009 at 11:48 AM

    I am so sorry. ((((Hugs Emmy))))

    ReplyDelete

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