the little things
How are you? (asked with that familiar head-tilt and forced frown)
I'm ok, how are you?
Oh, I'm fine, but how are you??
I have my ups and downs, blah blah blah.
I don't know how to talk to people. Part of it could be that I don't know how I am doing. Sometimes I am ok, and sometime I am a complete mess. Most of the time, if I talk about it, I cry. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes I know the things that set me off, sometimes I don't. Today, I was driving home and I was looking for my brother in law's phone number in my phone book. On the way, through the J's there it was. The nickname I called him and two numbers I'll never dial again. That was enough to send me into full tears. Yay. As I type this, my mother in law called! She managed to make me cry again. "Your mom said that you were over on Sunday and that you took some of J's things. That must have been really hard." Thanks for pointing that out. I never realized that it was hard. I don't sit and look at some of those things and miss him. Happy weekend, see you tomorrow. Crap I'm a mess. I can't even type this out without tears.
You are such a strong person. I don't know how you do it.
Uh, lots of alcohol and my favorite anxiety medication. I don't feel strong, I feel like a mess. When people tell me I'm strong, it makes me want to cry, which makes me feel weak. I'm a dam ready to burst. Earthquake! *see below for details!!* Well, I was making some metaphor about how I am about to burst. I keep springing leaks, but they are patched up. Most recently, while I was typing, I was shaken out of the tears into adrenaline rush of an earthquake. I haven't felt one since last summer. Thanks, adrenaline, for plugging the most recent leak. Anyway, I'm not strong. I just appear to be. Perhaps that is what being strong really is, even though behind the scenes, I'm a train wreck. I've only let people see me cry at work like 4 times this entire school year-- I think that is pretty good considering my year. Most people who tell me I'm strong don't know about the infertility thing, or even the fact that we were ever even trying to have a baby. That makes me laugh a little inside. And then there are three major things I don't talk about, even here.
Where was I going with this post?? Oh yeah, who know what is going to set me off, and what is going to kick me out of it! Life is full of surprises, and I can never predict how I'll react to anything.
My reaction to babies, baby conversation, etc., is a whole separate issue. Tears for a different reason.
I have to be social this weekend at B's family events, and I don't want to. It started as Saturday night only. Then it was Saturday and Sunday. Now, as of MIL's call during this eventful post, she and FIL are spending the night on Saturday between the two events. We're trying to get out of Sunday. I have a concert next weekend, and really need to practice, so hopefully that will work for us. I don't know. IL's are spending NEXT Saturday night at our house too! They are coming to my concernt, we are going out to dinner, and having brunch at my house the next morning. It doesn't make sense for them to go an hour home to come an hour back 14 hours later. Yay. I love my IL's, but really don't want to be around anyone other than B, my mom, or my grade level team of teachers at work. I'll get through-- just hoping for minimal (or no) drama on Saturday.
*That's kind of funny that just after I was typing that I am a dam ready to burst the ground starts shaking for real. I'm still waiting to hear the stats. Ok, it was a magnitude 4.4 with an epicenter less than 10 miles from where I live. No damage, just a small/medium jolt followed by a smaller wave. I've had the feeling that we're in for another decent size quake-- in the last two weeks, I've purchased 4 gallons of water store, extra canned goods to store, and extra propane for our camping stove to store. I want to get an extra large propane tank for our bbq to have on hand too, but haven't gotten to that yet. Huh
I'm ok, how are you?
Oh, I'm fine, but how are you??
I have my ups and downs, blah blah blah.
I don't know how to talk to people. Part of it could be that I don't know how I am doing. Sometimes I am ok, and sometime I am a complete mess. Most of the time, if I talk about it, I cry. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes I know the things that set me off, sometimes I don't. Today, I was driving home and I was looking for my brother in law's phone number in my phone book. On the way, through the J's there it was. The nickname I called him and two numbers I'll never dial again. That was enough to send me into full tears. Yay. As I type this, my mother in law called! She managed to make me cry again. "Your mom said that you were over on Sunday and that you took some of J's things. That must have been really hard." Thanks for pointing that out. I never realized that it was hard. I don't sit and look at some of those things and miss him. Happy weekend, see you tomorrow. Crap I'm a mess. I can't even type this out without tears.
You are such a strong person. I don't know how you do it.
Uh, lots of alcohol and my favorite anxiety medication. I don't feel strong, I feel like a mess. When people tell me I'm strong, it makes me want to cry, which makes me feel weak. I'm a dam ready to burst. Earthquake! *see below for details!!* Well, I was making some metaphor about how I am about to burst. I keep springing leaks, but they are patched up. Most recently, while I was typing, I was shaken out of the tears into adrenaline rush of an earthquake. I haven't felt one since last summer. Thanks, adrenaline, for plugging the most recent leak. Anyway, I'm not strong. I just appear to be. Perhaps that is what being strong really is, even though behind the scenes, I'm a train wreck. I've only let people see me cry at work like 4 times this entire school year-- I think that is pretty good considering my year. Most people who tell me I'm strong don't know about the infertility thing, or even the fact that we were ever even trying to have a baby. That makes me laugh a little inside. And then there are three major things I don't talk about, even here.
Where was I going with this post?? Oh yeah, who know what is going to set me off, and what is going to kick me out of it! Life is full of surprises, and I can never predict how I'll react to anything.
My reaction to babies, baby conversation, etc., is a whole separate issue. Tears for a different reason.
I have to be social this weekend at B's family events, and I don't want to. It started as Saturday night only. Then it was Saturday and Sunday. Now, as of MIL's call during this eventful post, she and FIL are spending the night on Saturday between the two events. We're trying to get out of Sunday. I have a concert next weekend, and really need to practice, so hopefully that will work for us. I don't know. IL's are spending NEXT Saturday night at our house too! They are coming to my concernt, we are going out to dinner, and having brunch at my house the next morning. It doesn't make sense for them to go an hour home to come an hour back 14 hours later. Yay. I love my IL's, but really don't want to be around anyone other than B, my mom, or my grade level team of teachers at work. I'll get through-- just hoping for minimal (or no) drama on Saturday.
*That's kind of funny that just after I was typing that I am a dam ready to burst the ground starts shaking for real. I'm still waiting to hear the stats. Ok, it was a magnitude 4.4 with an epicenter less than 10 miles from where I live. No damage, just a small/medium jolt followed by a smaller wave. I've had the feeling that we're in for another decent size quake-- in the last two weeks, I've purchased 4 gallons of water store, extra canned goods to store, and extra propane for our camping stove to store. I want to get an extra large propane tank for our bbq to have on hand too, but haven't gotten to that yet. Huh
{{HUgS}} It sounds hard. I am sorry for all you are going through. Personally, I think the alcohol and med route sounds great to me! :) If you have read any of my blogs you know I am fan of the liquid sress relief- VINO!!! :) Do what you need to to make it through. Hold you head and pride yourself that you are doing a good enough job to make people think you are holding it together...even if you don't feel it. It is OKAY to not feel like you.
ReplyDeleteFake it till you make...and drink wine!! :)
I'm sorry this is all so hard for you. The last thing you should have to worry about is answering people's questions or trying to figure out what to say.
ReplyDeleteSomething I've always struggled with is over-committing to social/personal events, and so I hope you feel like you can say NO to various parties or hosting people to your home if you want to. It is stressful, expensive and time consuming, so if you're getting overwhelmed maybe that would be an area to cut back on. It is so hard to say no, so usually I lie and say that I have to work, or DH has to work, etc. I hope the next few weekends go really well for you (and good luck at your concert!).
(((hugs)))