can't stop

I'm having one of those days where I can't stop crying.  I don't think it is any one thing in particular, rather the sum of all parts.  I miss my brother.  I want to call him and talk to him.  I need his advice.  I held little babies three days this week.  I did better than I thought I would, but it still made me sad to know that most likely, it will never be my baby I'm holding.  I still don't know what to do with work.  I interviewed to go back to the school I spent my first 4 years teaching at.  I won't find out if I got it for a while, but I don't know what I will say if I do.  I miss a year ago.  I miss my optimism for the future and my brother.  I miss having my life make sense.  Almost an ignorance is bliss thing. 

Comments

  1. 'Murgdan'June 13, 2009 at 5:25 AM

    I hear you. I held my sisters baby this week, though only for about 2 minutes as that was all I could take. My eyes have been 'leaking' at inopportune times ever since.

    I talked with a friend about returning to school for my pHD. Because I can't think of anything else to put in my future right now...

    I miss looking forward to what 'will be'...now that what 'will be' is a complete mystery.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LorzaJune 13, 2009 at 1:11 PM

    {{HUGS}} I am sorry sweetie. I have no soothing balm...just lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. EllaJune 13, 2009 at 1:29 PM

    (((HUGS))) I am so sorry Emmy. I'm thinking of you, wishing there was more I could do to help take your pain away. Some days are easier than others, that is completely normal... but it definitely doesn't make it easier. :/

    ReplyDelete
  4. CocoJune 13, 2009 at 8:57 PM

    Thinking of you girl.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's you!

"It's you!  I just know it!  You've lost some weight, it must be because of the morning sickness!" No, it's not me.  I'm not pregnant. "But is HAS to be you.  Who else could it be?  You just don't want to tell because it is too early" No, really.  It's not me.  I promise.  I haven't cheated on my husband.   "Well, who else could it be?" Um, one of the other 20 teachers of child bearing age at this school.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've guessed the other two pregnant teachers, before I even knew there were pregnant teachers at my school.  I have 'pregodar' (like gaydar, but for preggos) and really can sense the preggos around me.  I hadn't pegged a 3rd teacher, but I heard a rumor that there is a third when I started being hounded, and I think I have it figured out.  Its the one on her 3rd engagement and 3rd marriage in 5 years.  She's reaching the top of her realistic baby time, so it makes sense. 
Read more

plugging along

Image
There really isn't much to say at this point.  I'm plugging along, doing fine. Yesterday, I bowed out of a BBQ with B's family.  In May I mentioned BIL's ex and her "surprise" (planned) pregnancy.  One of the reasons for this BBQ was for BIL's birthday, and she decided to drive down to attend (she's still living 5-6 hours away).  She's like 26 weeks pregnant, and the thought of having to spend the day with her made me feel ill.  BIL isn't planning on living with her and the baby or marrying her, but will go visit often.  She is such an attention whore, I couldn't deal with her talking about the baby and flaunting the fact that she is still around because of it.  I've felt a little bit of a cold coming on, so I exaggerated it and stayed home.  I did end up throwing up my dinner, so I'm glad I didn't go. I felt a little guilty about skipping out on this, but I got over it quickly.  MIL was hoping that B and I would announce our
Read more

off with the crazies

Well, as expected, I had a pretty crappy Christmas.  Christmas eve was actually the best part.  We always celebrate on Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family.  That was actually fine.  Christmas day, not so much.  First, at my dad's side of the family lunch, I've never felt like such an outsider.  Christmas at the IL's started out fine.  BIL's dumb girlfriend decided to group each person's gifts in a pile, and we opened gifts one person at a time.  This took forever, and was kind of annoying.  For this group, we set up a gift exchange with B's brothers, so that we didn't have to buy for everyone.  I did the arranging for this, and think I did a good job.  I gave everyone opportunity to give input and include anyone else who was not included (didn't know if BIL's girlfriend was coming), compiled the responses, and sent out the information.  After all of that, B's brother went and got something for everyone, which really set me off.  Be
Read more