over

It's over.

Everything.

Tried to talk to B about things today, and he doesn't want to move forward with anything to have a baby. Nothing. He'll do what I want, within reason, but doesn't want to do any of it. I don't know what to do. With this, right now, I wish we would have stayed broken up 6 years ago when the issue of kids came up. I'm thinking of leaving. I don't know. I feel like he is not giving me much of a choice.

Kinda just wish my life were over too. I have nothing to look forward to. My life has pretty much sucked for its entirety and it was foolish of me to think that I could ever really be happy or that something would work out for me.

I'm just dumb. And done.

Comments

  1. 'Murgdan'August 2, 2009 at 7:02 PM

    :-( I'm so sorry. I've been there. My husband feels the same way...and sometimes I'm scared that I've forced his hand in all of this and will regret it one day.

    It's so hard. And I'm so sorry. I don't know if it's just an MFI thing or just a 'don't want kids' thing, and I think that troubles me more than all of it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. CocoAugust 2, 2009 at 7:57 PM

    Oh Emmy! I'm so sorry. I wish I had some magical words to make you feel better and to cure the situation. I hope that you and your husband are able to talk things through. Just know that I/we are hear to "listen".

    ReplyDelete
  3. LorzaAugust 2, 2009 at 8:41 PM

    oh emmy. I wish I lived near you-I would come over and cry with you. I am sorry. {{{{{{{UGS}}}}...um, or {{HUGS}} rather. I am so very sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  4. MissyAugust 2, 2009 at 8:43 PM

    Emmy, I wish I knew what to say. I know you must be devastated, or beyond devastated. It seems like we need better words for this. I am here for you to listen and any support you need.

    ReplyDelete
  5. VA BlondieAugust 3, 2009 at 2:44 AM

    I am so sorry. I know it must be difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AshAugust 3, 2009 at 6:25 AM

    Emmy I am so sorry you are dealing with this. No matter what happens I promise you that things will get better and you won't feel like this forever.

    ReplyDelete
  7. babyattheendAugust 3, 2009 at 7:03 AM

    Emmy, I'm so sorry! You aren't dumb. And you aren't alone. I know that I've felt exactly what you've written in your second paragraph, like nothing has been worth it at all, but it's not true, you're just too close to it to see that. Sending you lots and lots of warmth...

    ReplyDelete
  8. EllaAugust 3, 2009 at 7:42 AM

    Emmy, I am so sorry. You aren't dumb, and your feelings are completely understandable. I don't know how to help, but like Missy said, I am here for you, to listen and offer any support you need. I wish I had better words of comfort to offer you right now... (((HUGS)))

    ReplyDelete
  9. To A TAugust 3, 2009 at 11:49 AM

    Oh hun!! I'm so sorry (((HUGS)))
    I wish there was more I could say or do for you.
    More ((HUGS)) and lots of prayers sent your way!

    ReplyDelete
  10. AmyAugust 4, 2009 at 6:30 AM

    Here from LFCA...

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If there is anything we can do, please, just ask.

    Sending you love and ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  11. MicheleAugust 4, 2009 at 6:58 AM

    From LFCA...

    Sending warm thoughts...

    ReplyDelete
  12. SuraitaAugust 4, 2009 at 7:29 AM

    I'm here from LFCA.

    I'm thinking of you and will be keeping you in my thoughts today.

    ReplyDelete
  13. GilAugust 4, 2009 at 7:32 AM

    Here from LFCA...

    I'm terribly sorry to hear that you feel this way. I can relate though. Hubby and I went through all of this (and more!) during our 6+ years of TTC. First MFI to deal with, and the whole "I already have two kids from a previous marriage" issue that he threw out at me. We went through a lot and many days came and went when we didn't speak to each other, let alone discuss TTC and our next steps.

    All I can say is, thank heavens for a reproductive psychologist. She helped us through numerous trials and tribulations. Without her, I don't know if we'd still be together, still be married, or find ourselves in our current (blessed) situation.

    Thinking of you and hoping that things get better.

    ReplyDelete
  14. niobeAugust 4, 2009 at 7:37 AM

    Okay, I'm an idiot, but are you saying that B will do what you want (as in, go forward with the RE stuff?) but he's just not enthusiastic about it? Or that he refuses to do it at all?

    Because, though it totally sucks, if it's the first option, then I think a lot of husbands, including mine fall into that category and had zero interest in the whole process. But now that we actually have a baby, he couldn't be more thrilled.

    If it's the second option (refuses totally to do anything), that's a different story.

    But either way, sending lots of good thoughts. There have been a bunch of times in my life when I felt like I'd lost everything and had nothing to look forward to.

    It seemed like that feeling would never go away. But it did, even if it took far, far longer than I wanted it to. I know this sounds stupid, but things will get better for you. Really, they will.

    Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. LorzaAugust 4, 2009 at 7:39 AM

    I am still out here thinking of you sweetie. I really wish there was more I could do to help you. Just know I am sending lots of love your way.

    ReplyDelete
  16. JendeisAugust 4, 2009 at 7:45 AM

    Here via the L&F. I'm so sorry. Hoping that you find peace and strength soon.

    ReplyDelete
  17. cheryllookingforwardAugust 4, 2009 at 7:47 AM

    I'm here from LFCA - I've read through your story and I'll be thinking of you and sending you hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  18. JourneywomanAugust 4, 2009 at 7:56 AM

    Here from LFCA.

    1) I'm sorry things are so sucky right now.

    You have a choice. Maybe not good choices but choices all the same. See what choices can be made. I agree with Niobe--there is a difference between don't want to and won't.

    2) Don't wish your life to be over, please. There is so much to look forward to. Eating an ice cream cone--that's something to look forward to. Calling a friend and hearing their voice smile at the sound of yours--also something to look forward too.

    Hope you feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  19. JillAugust 4, 2009 at 7:57 AM

    Sending hugs from LFCA

    ReplyDelete
  20. AlexicographerAugust 4, 2009 at 8:16 AM

    Here from LFCA and seconding what Niobe said. My DH wanted none of treatment but was willing to tolerate my pursuing it. In my experience, this isn't all bad; I'm in the driver's seat, and never have to worry on his behalf about things not working.

    I don't know enough about your situation to know if the above could turn out to be true for you, but I hope it may and that either way you are able to reach a place that you want to be. I'm sorry it's so difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  21. MeganAugust 4, 2009 at 8:34 AM

    Emmy,
    I am so so sorry you are dealing with this.
    Just like everyone else, I wish there was something that we could do to help.
    You are in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  22. wifeyAugust 4, 2009 at 8:51 AM

    I'm so so sorry. And believe me, girl, there is nothing dumb about wanting to have hope, about believing in yourself and your future - it's just human. I too have had a pretty crap hand dealt to me by life, and I have those days too, where it seems ridiculous to believe that things will ever work out for me. But some part of me believes, and hopes, and so I set myself up for disappointment time and again.

    Hang in there. Feel free to email me if you need to commiserate.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Flying MonkeysAugust 4, 2009 at 8:57 AM

    I'm sorry. Lots of positive thoughts coming your way.

    ReplyDelete
  24. gypsyhickAugust 4, 2009 at 9:34 AM

    Yes, definitely a dark place - I'm sending you a flashlight of hope to find your way through the week. I really hope the confusion and frustration lessens sooner than later and you can find the light again. Thinking of you and sending warm vibes.

    ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  25. Mrs. GamgeeAugust 4, 2009 at 12:01 PM

    From LFCA

    I'm so very sorry that things are so hard for you right now. Sending hopes, prayers and hugs to help carry you through this.

    ReplyDelete
  26. noswimmersAugust 4, 2009 at 12:35 PM

    Oh hun...I'm so very sorry. MFI is really tough. My DH went through periods of "let's just stop" as well. I'm not saying your DH will change his mind, but mine eventually came around. I hope yours does too.

    Whatever you decide, please know that we're here for you.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  27. IllanareAugust 4, 2009 at 12:49 PM

    Here from LFCA. I'm so, so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Infertile In the CityAugust 4, 2009 at 1:36 PM

    Over from L & F - so sorry to read, and believe it or not, a lot of us have been there. It is hard to deal with infertility, and harder when you are not on the same page.
    We do not have MFI, but extreme female (we are working with a surrogate) and there have been times where I wanted to stop and my husband has not wanted to... Funny you mentioned breaking up when the issue came up - my current husband -than boyfriend and I broke up years ago because I was infertile (and at that time accepted my fate to never having children) and it was honestly one of the hardest things to deal with.
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  29. EmmyAugust 4, 2009 at 1:50 PM

    Thank you all so much for your thoughts. It is inspiring to hear that many of you were in the same place and somehow managed to make it through.

    ReplyDelete
  30. DelennAugust 4, 2009 at 3:08 PM

    From LAFCA...wishing you peace. So sorry you are going through this.

    ReplyDelete
  31. HillaryAugust 4, 2009 at 4:09 PM

    Here from LFCA...

    I'm so sorry your stuck between and a hard place. :( As tough as IF is, I wish the path to treatments and/or adoption could be easier for you. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  32. MerAugust 4, 2009 at 5:32 PM

    Also here from LFCA, just to say I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. Sending you all the positive vibes I can.

    ReplyDelete
  33. KateAugust 4, 2009 at 6:30 PM

    Here from LFCA and I'm really sorry that things are tough right now.

    I agree with Niobe... in my own case my husband is more reluctant than me in the baby making business... it is very frustrating to feel like you are pushing them along but a lot of men are like that, maybe to hide their own insecurities and fears about it all.... and their worries on the effects it has on you. I really hope you guys can work it out.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  34. BillyAugust 5, 2009 at 3:47 AM

    So sorry.
    Sending a big hug.
    (L&F)

    ReplyDelete
  35. becomingwholeAugust 5, 2009 at 6:53 AM

    No wise words here, but my heart is hurting for you.

    Hoping for you moments of peace in your storm.

    ReplyDelete
  36. AmelieAugust 5, 2009 at 8:44 AM

    I'm so very sorry. This is such a hard situation you're in. I hope you find a solution that you're both happy with, even if that may seem impossible right now.

    ReplyDelete
  37. One Who UnderstandsAugust 5, 2009 at 10:19 AM

    Here from LFCA.

    I am so so sorry. There are times my hubby and I are at odds over doing treatment. We still have yet to do our first IVF/ICSI becasue everytime we get close "something" come up. I secretly worry that mabye we will never even get to try...

    Sending you HUGS. I hope for you this is not the end.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Aunt BeckyAugust 5, 2009 at 2:57 PM

    Oh Emmy, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I'm just so, so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  39. rls07August 6, 2009 at 3:25 AM

    From LFCA. I just wanted to offer hugs and support.

    ReplyDelete

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