It's All Relative

A lot of bad things have been happening to a lot of people around me. Lots of death, sickness, and other crappy, crappy things. It's hard to know what to say, but I've had too much experience in too many areas.

This summer, I wrote an email to a grieving friend. I've now taken it, altered it appropriately, and sent it to 4 other people. Much of it applies more to publicly 'acceptable' grief, which I guess means grieving over things people understand, have experienced, or can empathize with.

I wish that people understood/I could more easily share my grief over the azoospermia. So many people take their easy conceptions for granted.  How do I explain the decimation of my dreams to them?  I wish fertiles would not say stupid things that those not as lucky go into hiding. I wish that others who have a difficult time getting or staying pregnant could get the support that they need from people in their lives without judgment. 

Here is most of the text, less personal information, of the email I sent out. If you are hurting, please take my words to heart. If you need to support someone hurting and want to take any of the text below, please do if you think it will help.


Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you. No one knows or understands what you are going through, so I won't pretend to, but I know that it is awful.

I am no stranger to grief. Through my bouts of grief over the years, I have learned that no two people's experiences are the same.

I don't have much advice, other than take everything one breath/moment/minute/hour at a time. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this. The best way is the way that gets you through the day. Everything that you are feeling is exactly what you should be feeling.

People will understand if you cancel plans with them next week or six months from now, because you don't feel up to it. It's taken a while for me to get over feeling guilty for canceling plans with people or leaving early, but I find they are truly understanding and supportive of my needs. Also, please don't feel guilty if you find yourself having a good day/hour/moment sometime in the future (my mom does, and I know that my brother would want to kick her for feeling that way!).

Ask for help when you need it. Whether it be running errands, bringing meals, or whatever.  People want to help you and take care of you.

Each person's grief is relative in the scope of their own lives. What hurts me to tears might not hurt you in the same way. It's nearly impossible to understand something from another person's perspective. A big deal in my world is a tap on the shoulder in one person's world and a tsunami in another 's.  I wish everyone would be more sensitive to each others' personal tragedies.