The Male Factor
When ttc started to take longer than expected, I hoped it was a little problem with me. I hoped I was having ovulation issues, since my charts showed a short LP. I wanted it to be me, because I knew that B would not take it well if it was an issue with him. When my baby-making world crashed, last New Year's eve, I have been thinking about why guys base so much esteem on their sperm.
I don't know where the pride comes from, if it is a continuing on their family line thing or a providing for their partner thing. I feel like for B, it comes more from wanting to give me what I want. I know he feels like he is letting me down. I try to reassure him all I can. I know he also doesn't want others to think that he can't provide for me or think that he is less of a man.
With the donor sperm thing, his biggest issue is that it would biologically be someone else's baby in me, not his. He's also worried about raising a child that isn't biologically his, not thinking that he will be able to love it enough. Fortunately, I think his counselor is helping him with some of this. He wouldn't want anyone to know that the baby isn't biologically his.
The sperm don't define the man. It makes me so sad how much this hurts B and all other men facing these issues. Why can't society lighten about sperm?
I don't know where the pride comes from, if it is a continuing on their family line thing or a providing for their partner thing. I feel like for B, it comes more from wanting to give me what I want. I know he feels like he is letting me down. I try to reassure him all I can. I know he also doesn't want others to think that he can't provide for me or think that he is less of a man.
With the donor sperm thing, his biggest issue is that it would biologically be someone else's baby in me, not his. He's also worried about raising a child that isn't biologically his, not thinking that he will be able to love it enough. Fortunately, I think his counselor is helping him with some of this. He wouldn't want anyone to know that the baby isn't biologically his.
The sperm don't define the man. It makes me so sad how much this hurts B and all other men facing these issues. Why can't society lighten about sperm?
Couldn't have said it better! Couldn' agree more! I hope that your DH finds some peace with donor sperm, soon.
ReplyDeleteAMEN SISTER!!! Society has no issues accepting adopted children- yet are so judgemental with sperm donations. I think part of my husband's hesitation for the TESE is b/c he is terrified of finding that there is nothing.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your DH is able to work through this, and I am glad he is with a counselor!
It is so great that he is talking to a counselor. I think it will really help. I wish my husband would have talked more to his counselor before we did DS. He will tell you his love for his son is no different than if they were biologically related, but he still struggles with the logistics (telling him as he gets older, how people might view their relationship, etc.)on occassion.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I am so glad he is seeing someone for these issues. I wish I could get my DH to talk to someone about his issues.
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ReplyDeleteI know. I hate all the macho babymaking stuff. It takes it's toll. Either way someone feels less.
ReplyDeleteCurrently thinking we're going to be able not to go the donor route, but we've talked about it as a serious possibility. The "what do you say in the future" issue was big for my husband. He seemed to be ok with donor sperm, but not with hypothetical kid ever knowing.
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