The Past

It's natural.  We all do it.  We sit and we think about what has happened in our past.  We think about how things might be different if we made one decision instead of another.  I don't know if this is just me, most other women, or women who deal with MF.  Other than B, I've had longer-than-a-year serious relationship.  Only one other guy who ever really came close to being the real thing, and he was my first boyfriend ever, in high school.  We lasted two years and were a great fit together. 

I was not ready for such a long-term, serious relationship at the time, especially since he didn't share the interest in going to parties with friends, which, as a 17 year old, I wanted to do.  I was bad.  I cheated on him.  He treated me like crap.  He went out of town and I cheated on him (by cheated, I mean I made out with another guy).  He forgave me, but I still ended up breaking up with him.  I was just ready for more experiences then he was and wanted that for myself.  I've always loved and cared about this guy and hope he does well in his life.  B is a lot like him, and actually encompasses many of the best things about ex but with the extra pieces that were missing.  I will always have a fondness for ex, and wonder what it would have been like if we would have met later in life. 

When ex and I broke up, I lost one of my friends, who was dating one of his friends.  He was closer to his friend than I was to mine, so it was natural that it happened the way it did in the separation.  I've always wondered what these people were up to.  I've missed them.  I got to see them tonight.  They were probably the biggest reason I went. 

I didn't bring B with me tonight.  He is socially awkward, as am I.  I knew that he would be uncomfortable the entire time I was talking with old classmates, etc. and he didn't want to go.  He told me he'd go if I wanted him to, but I didn't feel the need. 

My long-lost friend and his wife were the best part of the evening.  First, although she recently had a baby, didn't mention or flaunt it at all, which I really appreciated.  I had heard the night before that they had just had a baby, and she showed it.  They know nothing about me now or my life, so it wasn't like she was trying to be sensitive.  They asked where B was, as they both wanted to meet him.  My friend mostly wanted to take a picture and rub it in ex's face.  I couldn't believe it when he said that!  I then found out that they saw our wedding announcement in the newspaper and sent it anonymously to ex!  Ex probably thinks that I sent it to him, but I have no clue what city he lives in.  I think they both wish that I had ended up with ex and are taking joy in taunting him for being a few years behind where I wanted him to be.  He now lives with his girlfriend, and I really hope he is happy and not pining over me. 

It was a crazy evening, but I'm glad I went.  I am also glad that I went with people who were ready to leave when I wanted to, so I didn't give it time to get stale. 

My blast from the past is over, and I am ready to move on.  For some reason, right now, I really feel more ready for IVF and to move on with my life.  I hope I can get B more in this frame.