the aftermath
The fallout from the eruption last week has been interesting. Your comments were accurate-- it did need to happen and it is good that it did. I feel like we have been more open about what's to come.
Part of getting all of that out has reopened the flood gates for me emotionally. I was doing better and actually not crying every day. I know the holidays bring on a whole new level of stress, not to mention the first Christmas without my brother. One of the last greatest times I got to spend with him was Christmas eve last year. He was in his true, great form. I miss him so much. This has all brought on the tears.
I was sitting with B in front of the Christmas tree and just started crying my eyes out. Sad for the baby not in my arm, sad for my mom and the crappy year she's been through, sad for my brother, and just sad that Christmas will never seem right without my brother and father. I've gotten more used to it without my dad, but without my Jeffy-poo, it just doesn't make sense. Nothing about the last year makes any sense.
B doesn't know what tears are baby related tears and which are death related tears. I've been choosing not to clue him in. I think he has been assuming baby more than death. Is it bad of me for not clearing that up? He asked me for a Christmas list, and in the middle of like 8 things, I wrote "you being okay with known donor." All of my list items were links, so I linked that here. That's all I (realistically) want.
Despite the tears, I do think it's better. I hope it's better. I hope he is making progress towards DS. I really hope 2010 comes quickly and brings lots of good things for us all.
Part of getting all of that out has reopened the flood gates for me emotionally. I was doing better and actually not crying every day. I know the holidays bring on a whole new level of stress, not to mention the first Christmas without my brother. One of the last greatest times I got to spend with him was Christmas eve last year. He was in his true, great form. I miss him so much. This has all brought on the tears.
I was sitting with B in front of the Christmas tree and just started crying my eyes out. Sad for the baby not in my arm, sad for my mom and the crappy year she's been through, sad for my brother, and just sad that Christmas will never seem right without my brother and father. I've gotten more used to it without my dad, but without my Jeffy-poo, it just doesn't make sense. Nothing about the last year makes any sense.
B doesn't know what tears are baby related tears and which are death related tears. I've been choosing not to clue him in. I think he has been assuming baby more than death. Is it bad of me for not clearing that up? He asked me for a Christmas list, and in the middle of like 8 things, I wrote "you being okay with known donor." All of my list items were links, so I linked that here. That's all I (realistically) want.
Despite the tears, I do think it's better. I hope it's better. I hope he is making progress towards DS. I really hope 2010 comes quickly and brings lots of good things for us all.
I hope that he is okay with it, sooner rather than later. I think that you need the closure on it. I think that you need an answer so that you are able to move on and look forward to a baby. You are in such a hard place right now. I am so sorry. You really have been through so much this year. It has got to get better soon.
ReplyDeleteI hope that this Christmas will bring you some good answers so that you can start planning for your baby.
I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. I had a good friend take his own life shortly after Thanksgiving and the holiday has never been the same. I'm sorry Christmas is like that for you. I hope that you can find some peace among all this heartache. Be gentle, kind and patient with yourself.
ReplyDeleteKait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com