March

March is not a kind month to me.  Last March, it started with my job, which happened again on almost the same day this year, continued with my brother, and today marks 14 years without my dad.  I've also lost two of my grandparents in Marches past.  As a good friend recently said to me, the planets are a-holes to me when it comes to March.

Am I naive in thinking that next March might be kind and bring me a baby?  I feel so stupidly hopeful that something good might actually come.  I'm feeling the familiar, "if you don't try, you can't fail" sentiments again.

I have my hsg tomorrow, everything is going forward with known donor- we now own two vials of his 'goods' on ice.  I still need to call the special pharmacy to see if I qualify for free/discounted meds so I can let my Dr. know if not, so he can stockpile for me.  I should be feeling hopeful, but a big part of me just can't.  Things don't work out the way I want them to, why would it start now?

Part of this does come with recently finding out that I have two friends IRL who lost their babies at 17 and 19 week, respectively.

I don't know if I have the emotional strength or stability for this.

Comments

  1. someday-soonMarch 23, 2010 at 10:50 AM

    Don't feel stupid for being hopeful...it's the only highlight on the IF roller coaster. GL at your HSG!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. JustinaMarch 26, 2010 at 6:09 AM

    Oh Emmy, sending you a big hug. I know how it can feel like everything is stacked up against you, but don't give up. Things will work out one way or another. I'll be thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. babyattheendMarch 26, 2010 at 7:20 AM

    Hugs, Emmy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. mybumpyjourneyApril 2, 2010 at 7:02 PM

    Thanks for all the sweet comments on my blog!!! I am horrid at replying lately- and for that I am sorry. I am reading via my google reader- but just not commenting (BAD FOLLOWER- I know!!!!
    I am in contact with the gal you gave me for the invites- thanks!!! I love giving my business to a fellow IF-er. :)

    I agree March fucking sucks. Even the word sound like work- I mean that is what the Third Reich did right? Gah.

    At lease now it is April. :) Much better.

    It has to be. My birthday is coming up...okay scratch that. April fucking sucks too. May had better get here soon. :/

    ReplyDelete

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