The donor issue

About a year and a half into our relationship, B and I broke up.  The defining issue was children.  I wanted them, he did not.  Neither of us were willing give on this issue.  His main reason was that he didn't want to be responsible for ruining a child's life.  He didn't think he would be a good father.  The break up lasted two weeks.   I promised to help make sure he would be a good father and agreed to one child rather than the two in my original life plan. 

Fast forward five years and we decided to start trying.   It was a push to get B to agree to kids all those years ago, so naturally I was worried about having problems conceiving and how B would handle it.  I hadn't realized how excited he had gotten about having a little one. 
I never imagined that our problem would be zero sperm.  B immediately said that he was only okay with having kids if they were biologically his.  We worked with different doctors and came up with our plan.  Sperm retrieval the day before egg retrieval with our odds of finding sperm at 75 percent.  We had fallen on the shit side of the odds throughout this process, so I expected the worst while hoping for the best.  The doctor recommended having donor sperm back up in case he was unable to find anything.   We had a lot to think about, though B didn't want to talk or think about any of that.  Eventually he became willing to discuss it, and he decided that he would be okay with using his younger brother as donor back up, that way he would still have a genetic tie to the child.

Unfortunately, they couldn't find any sperm during his retrieval, and on our wedding anniversary my eggs were fertilized with his brother's sperm.  I worried through the whole pregnancy about how B would feel and be towards this child. 
He didn't get too into the pregnancy thing, and I was so jealous of reading about other husbands and how they were responding.  It felt like my pregnancy, though I constantly referred to it as our baby or his daughter.  We didn't talk about the fact that he is not biologically the father after the embryo transfer and still haven't.   I don't know if that is bad or not.  I don't want to bring it up and hurt B's feelings but I am willing to talk about it if he wants to.

As by due date loomed, I became increasingly nervous about how B was going to react to baby girl when he didn't want kids.  He didn't want to even think about donor sperm and our donor sperm baby was on her way.

His reaction to this little one floored me from the first time he held her at just a few minutes old and continues to each day.  The way that he looks at her and talks to her makes my heart melt.  He is head over heals in love with her and it is obvious to everyone who sees them together. 

We haven't told anyone that we needed a donor.  Only the three of us know- B, me, and his brother.  Again, I don't know if that is good or bad or what the right thing to do is.  I just know that this is what makes B the most comfortable and that is fine by me. 

I can't believe that we made it here.   I never thought it would happen but am so glad that it did.  We worked so hard for this little miracle, who is so wanted.   Looking at her and thinking about the path we travelled to get here brings tears to my eyes.  I feel so blessed.