the observer
For so much of my life, I've felt like an observer. I've often felt like I was on the outside, just watching others have fun and live life. I think that is part of where my social awkwardness comes from-- I've always felt like an outsider. When we started having fertility troubles, this feeling intensified, as so many of my friends landed in the "if he looks at me funny on a day I was 45 minutes late taking my pill, I get pregnant" camp. I think we all know how fun that is.
I thought once I had a baby, I'd feel more "in the club." I did finally make it to the other side, the promise land, to Oz. I'm finding myself, however, feeling like an impostor. Like I cheated the system to get here, and let's be honest here-- I did. If it were 20 years ago, we'd be one of those couples who everyone feels sorry for, because they can't have kids despite desperately trying. When moms I'm friends with talk about their accident 3rd+ babies, and when they ask if I'm going to have another, and when they coyly mention that one night where an extra glass of wine was poured, and you know.... I'm pushed back out of the circle.
Now, as a mommy, I find myself taking a different observer role. I LOVE watching J when she's playing or interacting with other people. I love how it takes her a while to notice me, but when she does realize that I am watching her, she smiles and runs over to me. I watch her play with kids in my mom's group, and love how she checks over her shoulder to make sure I'm there, and continues playing. I've been trying really hard to not let her catch me actively watching her, as it just seems to disrupt whatever she's doing.
I know I've always had self-esteem and confidence issues, so I don't know if other people feel this way or not. They never appear to, but I imagine I don't appear to feel the way I do either. It still feels, though, that I'm trying to break in and sit at the cool kids table for lunch. Like one of these days someone is going to realize that I don't really belong there.
The wound is healing, but the scar will never go away.
I haven't experienced this yet, since we are so close to "crossing over," But I am worried about those moments when evryone shares birth stories or talk about how much the child takes after so and so. But then I also do think whether you are in "the club" or not depends on your attitude. I don't have very many local friends and so now that we are planning a baby shower, I am not sure who to invite. At first I thought I couldn't really invite anyone, but now I'm thinking that I can use this as a reason to start doing more social things with these people who I like but haven't yet reached "friend" status with. KWIM?
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean! I got pregnant (IVF w/ICSI on the 3rd try) around the same time you did (daughter just turned 1 as well). Every time someone asks when we plan to have another or how many we plan to have, I feel a little pang in my heart. I know they don't mean anything by it but....after going through so much to have one, it would be a miracle if we were to have another naturally. But....we are moms to precious little girls so I try to live in the moment and enjoy each and every moment. Like you, I've always been a bit shy but it's fun to see what a big personality my little girl has and how social she is.
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