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I'm finding myself having difficulty feeling things I 'think' I should feel. Right now, for instance, my logic tells me that I should be filled with nervous excitement with a touch of anxiety. Instead, I feel dread. I know the meds are supposed to help with anxiety, but where have my feelings gone? Have the sadness and despair wiped everything out? Is it the meds? Am I just over it? I know I am not completely dead inside, because I do a pretty good job of feeling like crap. I do have some surprise fleeting moments of laughter and excitement. I just with they lasted longer! The BBQ went pretty well. The girl I was stressed about and I didn't really interact much, as there were plenty of people for us to talk to and I spent a large part of the time working two grills. My SIL, however, did decide to take the keys and drive home drunk without telling anyone, leaving B's brother and their two kids stranded here. She didn't say much when she drove the ho...

I saw this on a friend's blog and it sounds like fun! I have been experimenting making a few things now, so I can't wait to see what I come up with! The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you. I don't profess to be a super crafty person, but I know my way around the web enough to find some awesome how-tos! I promise I'll make it worth your while! This offer does have some restrictions and limitations: 1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will. 2- What I create will be just for you. 3-They say I have a year to get it to you. But I promise it will NOT take that long (11 months maybe, but NOT twelve ;-) 4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point. The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. So the first five people who post, and are willing to pass it along,will get a ...

I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. Just when I feel like I am on an upswing, I get thrown back down and my stomach lurches into my throat. I guess I should be grateful that I have upswings. There was a while there where I really wasn't. I'd be okay if the track smoothed out a bit. Today will be hard. I have 30 people coming over for a bbq. Many of them with their babies. If it were not a goodbye party for my best friend who is moving out of state, I wouldn't be doing this. It doesn't help that a girl that drives me nuts heard about it and invited herself as a guest of one of my friends. I really hope I don't lose control and punch her in the face. Hopefully cooking for all of these people and dealing with entertaining will keep me busy enough. I've been really withdrawn from most of my RL friends these past 9 months and haven't seen most of the people coming today for over a year. I know there is going to be a lot of, "When are you p...

It seems like part of this break has also been a bit of a break from the blog world! B and I unexpectedly had a really nice weekend. We didn't really do anything other than projects around the house and some crafty things. But, it was really nice to work together towards a common goal and actually be successful. It's been a while. We've been actively avoiding talking about IF, which is hard because of babies or people being pregnant EVERYWHERE. I don't remember what it was, but B said something that caught me off guard and fanned the mini flame of hope buried deep inside me. I just let it go Unfortunately, the outward signs of the break don't transfer to my thoughts. Recently, the permeating thought has had to do with what to do with my life if kids are not in it. I live my life with a purpose. I am always trying to work towards something. I always expected the change to be from working towards having a baby to raising a happy, caring, loving, human. I can...

I guess we are taking a break from talking about IF and the paths that lay in front of us. On one hand it's nice, but on the other, it feels like we are dancing around a giant elephant in the room. I can deal with a little bit of dancing to help bring some peace, I just hope end up somewhere that has us trying. I think that if B realizes that I will leave him if he refuses to try the methods to get sperm, he will do it. He really needs to be shoved into these things. We haven't been going to bed together or spending much time together, which is strange but necessary, I guess. We still need counseling- I haven't found anyone who specializes in IF, and I'd really like to. We need to save some money and I need to lose some weight. I guess it is easiest to focus on that and other things with the house right now. According to one RE, if I weigh less, I'll need less meds and it will be less expensive. Plus, then I'll fit into a lot more of my clothes. The ext...

I'm feeling a little bit better today than Sunday. We are still at odds as to what to do. I'm trying to find a reproductive psychologist or someone to help me try to work through this. I think we'd probably both benefit from seeing someone on our own and someone together. I don't know. I'm ready to be thrown a life raft. I don't know how much longer I can swim. Your support is amazing. I hope I can be there for you the way you've been there for me.

It's over. Everything. Tried to talk to B about things today, and he doesn't want to move forward with anything to have a baby. Nothing. He'll do what I want, within reason, but doesn't want to do any of it. I don't know what to do. With this, right now, I wish we would have stayed broken up 6 years ago when the issue of kids came up. I'm thinking of leaving. I don't know. I feel like he is not giving me much of a choice. Kinda just wish my life were over too. I have nothing to look forward to. My life has pretty much sucked for its entirety and it was foolish of me to think that I could ever really be happy or that something would work out for me. I'm just dumb. And done.