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I don't know how I'm supposed to stay positive and have hope after I just found out that none of the other embryos made it to blast or freeze.  What hope do my poor quality barely blast and morula have if nothing else made it.  I know I need to try to relax and hope/let these embryos settle in, but I haven't been able to stop crying since the doctor told me. My husband was the reason we needed IVF, not me.  We ended up using donor sperm, from someone who has gotten two women pregnant.  How can we only have had one make it to blast, albeit barely and poorly.  I want to be hopeful and positive, but am having a really hard time with that. My lower back/hips are killing me from the PIO.  There are barely any comfortable positions I can find- sitting or lying down.  I don't know how I'll be able to make it to beta.

No sperm.  RE gave us a 10% chance of finding one 'twitching' in the tissue sample in the morning.  Lots of tears.  This almost feels like the initial diagnosis all over again. I thought I was prepared to handle this, but apparently not.  Known donor it is.

We're back from the mTESE.  B is doing well so far, but I think he is still numb.  He's upstairs resting with ice on the area.  The surgeon did not see any sperm, but didn't look through all of it.  We brought the specimen to my doctor's office for the embryologist to look through. I'm not feeling confident that they're going to find anything.  The reality hasn't hit yet, but I'm sure it will later when the RE calls.  Glad we have the donor backup. Trigger wasn't too bad last night.  24 hours till part two.

I got back from my appointment, and I can't help but be a little disappointed.   My follicles have more of a variety in size than they'd prefer. The largest is 17mm and the smallest he considered still in the running/measured is 11mm. The majority are in the 13-15mm range. Hopefully the cetrotide will slow down the 17 and let the smaller ones catch up. Now he expects me to get 10-12 eggs. The retrieval will still be either the 24th or 25th. They'll call with the E2 and LH levels later and either have me adjust my dosage or not. I was hoping for better news- more follicles and around the same size. With the MF we are dealing with, the fertilization rate is pretty low which is why I was hoping for more.  If we end up using our donor backup, the number should be fine and we should get a decent number of embryos. E2 came in at 859 LH 3.4 Cetrotide does not like me.  I have a 1.5 inch swollen red welt where I injected it that itches.  

I have been having lots of dreams recently.  I've also been sick and anxious, which has not lead to good sleep.  I wake up in coughing fits in the middle of the night and start thinking about starting stims in less than two weeks, my BIL's situation, wondering whose sperm will fertilize my eggs, finishing the school year, and all sorts of things.  Not so much fun. I did have a dream that I got a BFP that was confirmed by my RE.  It was so real, that I started worrying that I drank at a wine dinner the day before getting the BFP.  Crazy. In terms of the upcoming cycle, the lawyer stuff is almost done.  BIL has his conference call with his lawyer on Tuesday to go over our contract, and if all is fine, we'll all sign and be done.  My meds are ordered and will be shipped to me next week.  I'm not liking being on BCPs again.  I'm breaking out and have had a constant headache.  It really makes me worry about how my body will react to the drugs...

Since the news of BIL's ex being pregnant, I've gone through a mess of emotions.  It is so extra frustrating because so many people warned him that she is the type of person who would stop bcp to keep him, and he didn't believe any of us.  I've moved from wishing her ill-will to wishing/hoping/praying for the best possible situation for BIL, whatever way that might play out.  It makes me feel like less of a horrible person.  I don't think she knew that he's our donor backup, as BIL didn't want to tell her.  Whether or not she snooped and found something, or overheard something somehow, I don't know.  I only hope that BIL doesn't get stuck with someone he doesn't love for the sake of a child.  He and the baby deserve a better life than that. This whole thing has made me even more determined to get pregnant.  I know it isn't the best reason, but it's pushed my apprehension to the back burner, and determination to the front.  AF should come ...

March is not a kind month to me.  Last March, it started with my job , which happened again on almost the same day this year, continued with my brother , and today marks 14 years without my dad .  I've also lost two of my grandparents in Marches past.  As a good friend recently said to me, the planets are a-holes to me when it comes to March. Am I naive in thinking that next March might be kind and bring me a baby?  I feel so stupidly hopeful that something good might actually come.  I'm feeling the familiar, "if you don't try, you can't fail" sentiments again. I have my hsg tomorrow, everything is going forward with known donor- we now own two vials of his 'goods' on ice.  I still need to call the special pharmacy to see if I qualify for free/discounted meds so I can let my Dr. know if not, so he can stockpile for me.  I should be feeling hopeful, but a big part of me just can't.  Things don't work out the way I want them to, why would it star...

I'm still not caught up on what I needed to do, and will be spending the whole day working today, but that is okay.  It's my own fault.  Despite the layoff, this has been a pretty good week.   I spend some quality time with KD on Friday, and he is in!!  He thought he had told us already.  The only thing he is struggling with right now is if he wants to know the outcome.  Also, I got a call from MIL on the day I got my notice, saying that she knows that I am independent and want to do this on our own, but she wants to help us financially with the IVF.  I'm assuming that we would be paying  them back, but she didn't go into the specifics.  She just said that she wanted to make our dreams come true, and didn't want my layoff to stop that.   I have an orientation scheduled for next week in the office, and will call on CD1 to get the hsg scheduled.  It amazes me how much is coming together for this.   I had a dream last night that I...

It's hard to know where to start.  There is a lot going on in my head and it is hard to organize, so please forgive the random thoughts. I've totally been procrastinating doing the things I need to do.  That will really come and bite me in the ass later in the week.  A big part of me is thinking of taking Friday off to catch up, but I really don't want to take any more days. Even though it probably doesn't come across often, mostly because I feel like I am always complaining, I do feel fortunate for many things in my life-- my husband and mother, especially.  They are there for me always, and take care of me like no one else could.  I am so lucky to have them in my life.  I've also made a couple of friends recently, too.  We've been going out and doing things weekly, which I think has helped my sanity, as well as giving B some space for himself.  I am also SO grateful to have all of you for support.  I don't know what I'd do without you. ...

I typically don't remember my dreams, but for the last week or so, I have been remembering my dreams quite vividly.  The last few nights, they've involved me sleeping with someone other than my husband.  I don't know if it because I am getting to that fertile time of the month or what.  So strange!  It doesn't help that our potential known donor has been spending the night here often, and will continue to.  Hey D, wanna fill this cup while I get the turkey baster?   There is a large part of me that wishes we were just going to dIUI.  IVF still scares me- for many reasons.  Any dream interpreters out there?

Well, last night was a relative success.  There were no problems, really, with anyone.  It was nice.  I was ready to leave a bit earlier than we did, but whatever.  My FIL and I got into a nice heated discussion about school vouchers.  We totally disagree, but had a nice hug after.  I had a minute to tell BIL that I have an update on what he will be involved in.  He asked to come for dinner and spend the night tomorrow night, and said we'd talk then (he got a new job much closer to our house than his).  So, we may actually have some sort of an answer from him on Monday. 

I think RE #3 it will be!  I liked what he has to say.  He was a good middle ground compared to the other two.  His kids go to school in the district I teach in, and when I mentioned that I wanted to cycle in June, assuming I didn't get a pink slip again, he offered to help with the costs a bit-- both his office costs and the costs of meds.  There is potentially a progesterone clinical trial among other things that might get me a lot of the meds free.    The office staff was really nice, and everyone answered my questions well.  They also don't need a 6 month quarantine for donor, so that puts that fear out of my mind.  7 days, plus lawyer business is all we need.  He wants to put me on an antagonist protocol, thinking I'll respond better than to a Lupron protocol. He expects me to produce 12-15 eggs.  Have any of you done the antagonist?  I think it means I'll have less shots. I'm excited. 

I still haven't heard back from BIL .  He said he'd let us know within the week (last Tuesday).  I emailed him yesterday and offered to pay for counseling if he wanted to talk to someone about this.  The problem is, I think I sent it to his secondary email address and not the main one he checks.  (damn gmail putting their email addresses over the more commonly used one) Here is the other piece- he is coming over tonight and spending the weekend here.  B is having a guys weekend, so there will be two other guys here too, but BIL will likely get here before them.  Do I say anything?  Should I ask if he got my email?  I don't want to put any pressure on him. My 3rd initial consultation with an RE is a week from today.  I'd like to have an answer from him by then.  I did intentionally build in extra time for him to respond before my appointment, because I know he doesn't do well with deadlines.