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March is not a kind month to me.  Last March, it started with my job , which happened again on almost the same day this year, continued with my brother , and today marks 14 years without my dad .  I've also lost two of my grandparents in Marches past.  As a good friend recently said to me, the planets are a-holes to me when it comes to March. Am I naive in thinking that next March might be kind and bring me a baby?  I feel so stupidly hopeful that something good might actually come.  I'm feeling the familiar, "if you don't try, you can't fail" sentiments again. I have my hsg tomorrow, everything is going forward with known donor- we now own two vials of his 'goods' on ice.  I still need to call the special pharmacy to see if I qualify for free/discounted meds so I can let my Dr. know if not, so he can stockpile for me.  I should be feeling hopeful, but a big part of me just can't.  Things don't work out the way I want them to, why would it star...

A lot of bad things have been happening to a lot of people around me. Lots of death, sickness, and other crappy, crappy things. It's hard to know what to say, but I've had too much experience in too many areas. This summer, I wrote an email to a grieving friend. I've now taken it, altered it appropriately, and sent it to 4 other people. Much of it applies more to publicly 'acceptable' grief, which I guess means grieving over things people understand, have experienced, or can empathize with. I wish that people understood/I could more easily share my grief over the azoospermia . So many people take their easy conceptions for granted.  How do I explain the decimation of my dreams to them?  I wish fertiles would not say stupid things that those not as lucky go into hiding. I wish that others who have a difficult time getting or staying pregnant could get the support that they need from people in their lives without judgment.  Here is most of the text, less personal...

Sunday's birthday party for my dead brother went well. Most of his best friends came. It was really nice to hear them tell stories about him and give their impressions of him. I could hear his voice through them. It was also really interesting to hear how all of us experienced similar grand losses of time. I barely remember my class last year and the end of the school year. I don't know why my memory is so gone, but am glad that I am not the only one. I think my brain was/is too overwhelmed to form trivial, lasting memories. I really feel like a lot is missing. My mom did really well on Sunday and has been in good spirits when I've talk to/seen her. We got her Beatles Rockband, and she loves it! She called me and wants to learn to use the PS3 on her own, because usually my stepdad does it. I thought it would be a good distraction for her, since she loves to sing and has always wanted to play drums. It was a good thing we did this. I think it was nice for all.

I have this social awkwardness problem. I am a social idiot. I don't think I generally do well with people. I have "friends" at work, but no one I really see socially from there. I have one or two people who I see every once in a while and a few who I instant message. I'm just not that good with people. When I get like this, back on the verge of depression, I am SO much worse with people. How long can I use the excuse of being tired/sick for? I've only known these people since late August-- they've never seen anything other than happy me. I've been pretty happy for over three years, which is a record for me. I've forgotten how I deal with people when I'm like this. Do I hide in my classroom all the time? Under the blanket of working, of course, but that will get suspicious rather quickly. Do I just pretend that I am happy? That is probably the best option, but I don't know that I can yet. Maybe I just need to try. How do I answer q...

Someone made me laugh pretty hard at lunch today. It felt good. I've missed smiling and laughter. It didn't last long, but it was good. I hope it happens again soon.

Today I had my annual peek and poke today. When I made this appointment about two weeks ago, I was expecting it to be different. I expected to be really talking to a doctor, for the first time, about my IF. With DH's news, there was really no need to bring up my concerns with my short LP. Basically, she told me to lose weight before getting pg. Also, she decided to run a test on my thyroid. Ah joy. I'm still having a hard time being social at work.

"How are you? "Fine" "Really? You don't look that good. Are you sick?" "Sure, I must be getting sick." I don't even know how to answer those questions. Sad, heartbroken, lost, confused? I don't really want to go into details with people and I am just stuck with that question. I am not really good at just putting on a fake happy face and pretending that it is all ok. I just want to hide in my classroom and not see anyone. Unfortunately, that will look more suspicious than anything. I'm grieving the child I'll never have. The fact that I'll never wake up and wonder if I'm pregnant. It is all just.... gone.