test

I am a POAS addict.  I admit it.  I have an addiction.  This morning, I started trying to satisfy my addiction with another internet cheapy hpt.  The test line was about the same as yesterdays first IC test line, actually now that I really compared the two, it is a smidgen darker.  So, I took out another IC, because yesterday the second one was darker than the first.  The second one had a TON of dye in it and the whole thing turned pink!  Then the test line started to appear.  There is still a bunch of dye in the background (2 hours later).  So, to finish off my addiction, I took out a FRER.  I thought that perhaps a 'real' test might give me some clues.  It's still pretty light, but I can see the line on the FRER!  I have an expired digital that I may try tomorrow.  I know it takes a lot more hcg to make the digital go, but if I'm doubling appropriately, I think it should work.  And if it doesn't, I can blame it on l...

I'm so hesitant to post this.  I don't want to get my hopes up, just to be crushed.  There is a long way to go, but I may be one step closer.   This morning, I peed in a cup to dip my sticks.   At first, I only dipped one and I watched and watched. Then I decided to go do something and come back. When I came back, it looked negative. Upon closer scrutiny, it looked like there could be a shadow of a line. Barely there, but a shadow. That's when I decided to whip out another one and an expired one. The expired one showed a little shadow too, although it was the kind that you can actually pee on and don't have to dip so the case makes a little shadow anyway. The other non-expired one showed a slightly darker shadow than the first- I think even DH will be able to see it when he wakes up. I've been here before.  In Oct. 2008 I had what I (and the message board world) thought was a positive test. I sat on the couch, just as I am right now, getting up occasionally to l...

I had some blood work done on Friday and I talked to the nurse about my PIO shots and that I'm not tolerating them well. She wants me to keep doing them, despite the fact that research has shown that the suppositories do just as good of a job. Later, I get a call with the results of my blood work- my E2 is fine, over 1,000 and my progesterone is lower than they'd like it. It's 26 and they want it over 30, so now I have to take 1.5cc of PIO instead of the 1cc I've been doing. Despite the ice, heating the injecting, massaging it in, moving around after to help it spread, and putting heat on it, I have a huge painful lump on my hip.  It hurts to sit, lie on my side (how I sleep), and wear anything that sits on the hip.   I asked the nurse if I should come back earlier than July 12th to have the prog. retested and she starts talking all condescendingly to me saying that the prog. level doesn't indicate pregnancy. I informed her that I was well aware of that, but thought...

I don't know how I'm supposed to stay positive and have hope after I just found out that none of the other embryos made it to blast or freeze.  What hope do my poor quality barely blast and morula have if nothing else made it.  I know I need to try to relax and hope/let these embryos settle in, but I haven't been able to stop crying since the doctor told me. My husband was the reason we needed IVF, not me.  We ended up using donor sperm, from someone who has gotten two women pregnant.  How can we only have had one make it to blast, albeit barely and poorly.  I want to be hopeful and positive, but am having a really hard time with that. My lower back/hips are killing me from the PIO.  There are barely any comfortable positions I can find- sitting or lying down.  I don't know how I'll be able to make it to beta.

It's so surreal to think that my babies are growing somewhere down the road from here.  I can't even believe that we are here and transferring tomorrow.  It really feels like it's taken forever and got here so quickly simultaneously.  18 months from azoospermia news to start trying to get pregnant.  It's been a rough road with lots of ups and downs.  It's taken forever and flashed by. I got a mani/pedi today!  I had a gift certificate so I didn't feel bad spending the money.  I didn't make it to the library today because a plumber was supposed to arrive between 2-4.  He got here while I was typing that sentence!  I do have three books to read, but I was saving them for tomorrow and on.  When I get into a book, I tend to want to finish it!  Hopefully some of my friends will be around to entertain me! Transfer tomorrow.  I can't wait to get my babies in me!

We didn't get anymore embryos.  But, 6 of the 7 that we had the other day are doing well.  They didn't give them a grade or anything, but said that 6 are doing really well and the doctor is pleased.  I'll get my transfer time tomorrow.  I hope those 6 keep thriving! In other news, I need something to do!  I've been pretty bored the last few days.  I don't know how I'm going to make it through the 2ww!

I'm back from the egg retrieval and doing well.  I have some cramps, but nothing worse than a bad period. They got 20 eggs!  I know they won't all be mature and that all of the mature won't all fertilize, but that is more eggs than they thought.  I hope that this good news is just the beginning of good news to come.

No sperm.  RE gave us a 10% chance of finding one 'twitching' in the tissue sample in the morning.  Lots of tears.  This almost feels like the initial diagnosis all over again. I thought I was prepared to handle this, but apparently not.  Known donor it is.

We're back from the mTESE.  B is doing well so far, but I think he is still numb.  He's upstairs resting with ice on the area.  The surgeon did not see any sperm, but didn't look through all of it.  We brought the specimen to my doctor's office for the embryologist to look through. I'm not feeling confident that they're going to find anything.  The reality hasn't hit yet, but I'm sure it will later when the RE calls.  Glad we have the donor backup. Trigger wasn't too bad last night.  24 hours till part two.

I get to trigger tonight! It looks like I have 8 good follicles on the left- 20-23mm and 3-4 on the right 19-22mm.  I'll go in on Thursday at 10am for the retrieval.  Hopefully that will yield 10-11 good eggs! Sperm retrieval is set for early tomorrow morning.  Really early.  We have to leave home before 5am to get there.  I'll take whatever they can find an hour across town to my doctor.  I'm trying to figure out if I should go to bed early and set an alarm to trigger, or if I should just stay up until 11pm.   I honestly cannot believe that we are here.  We'll know if there is sperm in 24 hours.  Crazy.

Father's Day has been a hard day for me for the past 15 years- since my dad died.  Last year, Father's Day was a disaster.  In looking back at that post and the following, I realized that I never talked about what a disaster that BBQ ended up being. I couldn't put on the fake happy face last year.  Well, I did okay for the first 30 minutes, until my SIL started whining about how hard her life is, and how awful it is to be across the country from her family.  She wanted to be with her dad, but had to settle for an hour long phone call.  I'd have to kill myself to be with my family, and she just has to get on a plane, but everything for her is the worst thing anyone could ever experience.  Her son broke both of his arms at the end of March, and had to have one rebroken and reset a few weeks ago, and she has the nerve to post on Facebook that that is the worst thing that could ever happen to a child.  No joke.  I just wanted to smack her for that. ...

I'm looking for some good, fun, not stressful books to read.  I'd love some enjoyable, not depressing books.  Do you have any suggestions?  I'm hoping to hit the library next Monday or Tuesday. I'm still plugging along with the stims.  Today is day 5.  I go back for a scan and blood work tomorrow.   I certainly feel bloated and full in my abdomen.  Hopefully I'll know the retrieval date tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. I've found that the Menopur stings less if I am leaning back and relaxing.  Also, it isn't as bad when it is cold- at least for me. I was productive today!  I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical, cleaned up a pile of clothes I've been neglecting, and cleaned out all of my drawers.  My give away/donate pile has more than doubled!  Now I kinda want to take a nap, but I am meeting a friend for a walk in 2 hours.  Hmm....

I had my first monitoring appointment today. They said that my follies were not as big as they had hoped, but that it sometimes happens with people in my age range and they have a growth spurt later. My E2 is 156. I have around 15 follicles growing. They didn't give me exact numbers, but about 10 are in the 7-9mm range, and 5 are in the 4-6mm range. I'll go back on Saturday for a recheck. In the mean time, they're keeping my meds the same- 225 of gonal-f in the morning, and 2 vials of menopur in the evening.   I hope that the follicles grow and get to where they should be.  Yesterday's Menopur was worse than the first day.  There were a few things that were different.  First, I was standing up yesterday, and sitting on Monday.  Second, it was at room temperature yesterday and cold on Monday.  Today I will try cold and sitting.  I notice that I'm getting sore spots on my tummy.  It will make the rest of the days interesting if this continues! ...

Well, all of my meds are here.  I go in tomorrow to learn how to do them and find out my doses and things.  The good news with having a Sunday appointment is that B can come too.  He's never been to the RE before.  I've done this all on my own. My stockpile:

I have been having lots of dreams recently.  I've also been sick and anxious, which has not lead to good sleep.  I wake up in coughing fits in the middle of the night and start thinking about starting stims in less than two weeks, my BIL's situation, wondering whose sperm will fertilize my eggs, finishing the school year, and all sorts of things.  Not so much fun. I did have a dream that I got a BFP that was confirmed by my RE.  It was so real, that I started worrying that I drank at a wine dinner the day before getting the BFP.  Crazy. In terms of the upcoming cycle, the lawyer stuff is almost done.  BIL has his conference call with his lawyer on Tuesday to go over our contract, and if all is fine, we'll all sign and be done.  My meds are ordered and will be shipped to me next week.  I'm not liking being on BCPs again.  I'm breaking out and have had a constant headache.  It really makes me worry about how my body will react to the drugs...

Since the news of BIL's ex being pregnant, I've gone through a mess of emotions.  It is so extra frustrating because so many people warned him that she is the type of person who would stop bcp to keep him, and he didn't believe any of us.  I've moved from wishing her ill-will to wishing/hoping/praying for the best possible situation for BIL, whatever way that might play out.  It makes me feel like less of a horrible person.  I don't think she knew that he's our donor backup, as BIL didn't want to tell her.  Whether or not she snooped and found something, or overheard something somehow, I don't know.  I only hope that BIL doesn't get stuck with someone he doesn't love for the sake of a child.  He and the baby deserve a better life than that. This whole thing has made me even more determined to get pregnant.  I know it isn't the best reason, but it's pushed my apprehension to the back burner, and determination to the front.  AF should come ...

I ended up getting a meeting with my doctor to talk things out.  He really is a nice guy, and made me feel better about what's coming up.  He didn't even charge me for the 20 minutes or so he spent with me.  I also got my FSH retested- it's 8.  Pretty consistent to the 7.9 last July. Flow started yesterday.  I am going to start taking bcp today, for just under 3 weeks, have my withdraw bleed, then get going.  It's hard to believe that we are finally getting there.  It's so crazy.  I'm so nervous about the whole thing, and feeling really chicken about giving myself shots.  I'm such a pansy! That whole yesterday passed fairly easily.  The one thing that got to me most is remembering that in my perfect world, I would have announced my pregnancy to the fam. two years ago.  It's hard to think about all of the things that have happened since then and where we are now. Work is really busy right now, and stressful.  My layoff has been ...

It's been quite a tumultuous week, filled with some good news, some bad, and some frustrating.  Last week was really work intensive- mostly not related to my classroom teaching, and all union business.  I probably worked an extra 10-12 hours last week, just on union junk.  Most of the time I really enjoy my position in the local union, but last week I had to deal with a lot of dumb people mad at me, even though I'm just the messenger.  I did get quite a few compliments for the good and thorough job that I did.  The good part of this, is that it looks like my pink slip will be rescinded.  I'll know in a week or so. Today, I got really frustrated with my RE's office.  I've only met with the RE once, for an hour, for my initial consultation.  Everything else I've done for this has been through an outside lab or with the nurses.  My frustration comes in that either people aren't writing down what we talk about, or they are not looking in my chart...

March is not a kind month to me.  Last March, it started with my job , which happened again on almost the same day this year, continued with my brother , and today marks 14 years without my dad .  I've also lost two of my grandparents in Marches past.  As a good friend recently said to me, the planets are a-holes to me when it comes to March. Am I naive in thinking that next March might be kind and bring me a baby?  I feel so stupidly hopeful that something good might actually come.  I'm feeling the familiar, "if you don't try, you can't fail" sentiments again. I have my hsg tomorrow, everything is going forward with known donor- we now own two vials of his 'goods' on ice.  I still need to call the special pharmacy to see if I qualify for free/discounted meds so I can let my Dr. know if not, so he can stockpile for me.  I should be feeling hopeful, but a big part of me just can't.  Things don't work out the way I want them to, why would it star...

First, I'm a Limerick Chick Finalist at WeeblesWobblog.com Thanks for voting for me! I'm sure I won't win, but I had lots of fun with it.  Go back and vote! Also, apparently, my last shameless plea for votes was my 200th post!  So, this makes 201. I spent over an hour at the RE's office this week.  I really do like the office I've chosen.  I have my prescription for BCPs and a start date for injects.  This office is also the 2nd leading office in the country for helping people get free or discounted IVF meds.  In light of my layoff, and that the Dr.'s kids go to school in my district, they are going to try to help me too.  They think that worst case scenario is that my med bill will be cut in half.  Such a relief to have some of the finances cut. I really hope that all of this goes as I hope it will from here on out, but I know that might not be the case.  I really feel more hopeful that this is actually going to happen than I've ever felt b...