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When my brother and I were little, we would often spend a weekend or a week at our grandparent's house.  My grandma and grandpa (dad's side) were the best grandparents a kid could ask for.  They went out of their way to plan fun activities for us, and when it rained the whole week, we'd go to the toy store and buy a new puzzle and a new game to play.  When the weather was nice, we'd go to the beach park and play on these really cool toys, where there was even a rope that connected two pirate ships, and a swing-type thing you could ride across the rope.  They had a 2 story house with a strange layout, because of its location on a hill.   Essentially, the bottom floor was a huge master suite- bedroom, bathroom, office, exercise room, and closets.  Everything else, including the guest bedrooms was on the top floor.  When we stayed there, we would stay in a guest room, and my grandma would stay in a room next to us, in case we needed anything.  In the mornings, we would w...

I hit 20 today!!  20 pounds lost!!  It hardly seems possible, because I don't really see the difference when I look in the mirror, but I notice it in my clothes.  What's interesting is that the more I seem to lose, the more I seem to want to lose.  I thought I would be fine with 15 pounds more than I am now, but now I think 20-30 would be better.  It really is seeming like 5-8 more pounds will get me into most of my clothes.  I know 10 pounds will get me into most of my clothes and wedding appropriate clothes- (attending a wedding in 2 weeks.)  I don't know what to do about this wedding in 2 weeks.  I am a few pounds from fitting into my existing dresses, and a few pounds smaller than the fat dress I bought over the summer when I needed something.  I have about $95 in gift cards to a major department store, and part of me wants to go and get a new dress there.  I've had the gift cards since last November, so it seems like a good use of the money.  I want a new fancy d...

The good talking continues! On Monday, we talked more about the scenarios we face and what we would want to do. This is what I think we would do... that is, of course, if donor sperm becomes ok with B! We would schedule the IVF to start towards the end of my school year in June, trying to get the egg retrieval soon after the school year ends (a Tuesday this year!). B would have his procedure to look for sperm the day before the egg retrieval. If sperm are found, we will use all of his for all of my eggs. We have to give it our all with his sperm first, if there are any. If we do not get any embryos to transfer or freeze, or if none stick, we will go to donor IUI (with B's brother's sperm, assuming, of course it's all okay with him). If there are no sperm, we will use B's brother's, again assuming it's okay with him. Oh, and thanks to J for his post and advice. I think it really helped! This seems to be the plan, at least for the moment. I hope it sticks...

After Friday night's arguments , I did not have high expectations for what Saturday would bring.  I didn't know what kind of a mood B would wake up in, after he knew I was not happy when I went to bed.  Our 'conversation' took us past 2am, so I knew B would sleep late.  I, unfortunately, don't have his nighttime sleeping powers, though I do have good napping skills.  B was surprisingly pleasant when he woke up, and his good mood continued.  He even apologized for some of the events the night before.  I made us breakfast, and decided to try to sleep.  I did end up with a 3 hour nap, which greatly helped my mood and headache.  When I woke up, we decided to decorate the house for Halloween.  Last year, we went all out and had a murder mystery dinner party at our house, and transformed the living room into a spooky castle.  We didn't go as all out with the decorations this year, because we have no idea what we are doing for Halloween.  Last year, we put plastic u...

We're back arguing about IF. I hate this. I really do. I wish I were clairvoyant. That would really help a lot in this process. Having the safety of donor sperm would be nice too. A winning lottery ticket would help too. Why is this so frustrating?? I hate that so many little things are bothering me. I feel like I am in one of those places where all the little things are so piled up, that one more little thing is just going to break it all, and I am going to have a massive break down. Nothing planned for the weekend. I'm ready for a nap.

Thanks to L, from There's a baby at the end , right ? for giving me the Over the Top award ! I'm not quite sure what I did to deserve it! The Rules for the Over the Top Award are: You Can Only Use One Word (the hard part!) Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers Alert them that you have given them this award Have Fun! The Fun: Where is your cell phone? table Your hair? down Your mother? wonderful Your father? dead Your favorite food? lasagna Your dream last night? none Your favorite drink? wine Your dream/goal? happiness What room are you in? family Your hobby? photography Your fear? failure Where do you want to be in 6 years? Motherhood Where were you last night? home Something that you aren’t? happy Muffins? now! Wish list item? cash Where did you grow up? home Last thing you did? drink What are you wearing? funeral Your TV? days Your pets? none Friends? intermittent Your life? lacking Your mood? sad Missing someone? brother Vehicle? dependable Som...

I don't like all the sadness that has taken over this blog. I am ready for it to end, and I hope that it will. Thanks for sticking with me through it! Several years ago, I started transferring $200/month into a savings account. It is something that I just ignore. I recently decided to take a peak, and found that it has a decent amount in it! Looks like it is almost enough to cover IVF. I still want to try to save and scrimp to get enough anyway, to help replenish that as soon as possible. I'd really like to try to plan for a March baby and take the rest of the school year off. I'd have to save up an extra 2 month's salary to make that happen! That's a lot! This makes me wonder if we can even afford to have kids! This bonus account really helps. I wish I could find a good way to make money at home. I'm working on it. Any good ideas?

There has been so much death these past two weeks, I can hardly believe it.  One of my good friend's mom died, at the age of 59 last week.  Another acquaintance lost her father this weekend, and my coworker lost her husband yesterday.  All of them under 60 years old.  It's too sad.  I wish I could be more supportive of my friends, but I don't have it in me.  I've sent them all emails, but that's it.  It's just too sad. 

I hate pants. It's not the pants themselves, but the way they fit and look on me. I've always hated pants. I've always been chubby. Yes, there may be a total of 10-12 months or so in my life when I have not been chubby, but those times are few and far between. Usually, when something big is going on in my life. Probably like now. I can't find pants in my wardrobe that fit me. I know, the logical person might think that I need to go and buy some in a size that fits. The problem, however, is that I have a full wardrobe of pants in 3 sizes and several pair in the lowest size. I'm working my way down to the middle/lower size, apparently. The big size is too big and I look ridiculous in them. The pants in the middle size all seem to be too small or too big. There is nothing in the 'just right' range. I even have pants from several different stores in these sizes, yet I can't find anything that works. I'm thrilled to be too small for a handful...