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tears

I've been hit by overwhelming sadness.  My BFNs have destroyed me more than I thought possible.   The past seven days have been incredibly emotional and life changing in ways that have nothing to do with making babies.  We are now unemployed, moving, and filled with uncertainty in nearly every aspect of our lives.  As horrible of timing as pregnancy would have been with all that the past week has brought us, it was my glimmer of hope.  My hope that something good might actually happen.  The part about trying again has also been taken from us.  We can't very well put money into fertility treatments when we have no more income.  I think that is where it stings the most.  If I knew that we could just try again in a month or two, I think I would be handling this better.  We also got news, less than two weeks ago, that our donor is most likely done helping us.  September would have been the last month for him to help, but now I guess it's done.  We do have about 10 mil. sperm on...
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11 DPO

On Saturday, I really felt pregnant.  I was so sure that I was.  Yesterday, I didn't feel it at all and was so sure that I'm not.   The clinic told me to test on the 26th, but I knew there is no way I could hold out till Thursday to test.  With my IVF cycle, I got my first BFP at 11 dpo.  It was light, but it was there.  Today, my test was clearly negative.  I can see where the second line should be, but there is not even a hint of color.  I know that 11 dpo is early, and all of that, but I think I am out for this cycle.  I'll take the progesterone for another few days, but all signs point to this cycle as a bust.   I'm taking this a lot harder than I thought I would.  A lot has changed/happened in the last 2 weeks, and I don't know if/when we'll be able to try again.  And as much as everything that has hit the fan in the last week makes the timing extraordinarily bad, it would have been a nice beacon of hope.  I'll keep testing until AF shows (which sho...
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The 2ww

It's official.  I am in the 2ww.  My second 2ww ever where I actually have a chance to become pregnant. Our drive went really well, and it has been nice to be back at my old clinic.  I didn't realize how much cheaper it is than the one I've been going to in our new state.  It is so much cheaper, that I could get a round trip flight to go to the old one and still save money.   My monitoring scan on Tuesday showed 4 mature follicles, which the doctor was very pleased with.  He asked if we would reduce if I got pregnant with triplets or more, and I said yes.  I promised B when we first started that twins was the highest number I would want to carry.  He said he could stick a needle in and drain two of the follicles if I wanted, though he said the chance of triplets was less than one percent.  I think we'll be lucky to have one baby stick around and make it, let alone two!  I'd be thrilled with twins though!   I triggered Tuesday afternoon, and had an IUI Wednes...
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Up, Up, and Away!

My baseline monitoring went well, although I was quite frustrated with the experience.  My home clinic wrote the wrong date on the order form, so we had to wait for them to open to get new orders sent.  Then the monitoring clinic was having network issues, so couldn't get the fax my home clinic was trying to send.  I was stressed about getting home and relieving B of parenting duties so he could get to work.  Eventually it got straightened out, and I was only about 15 minutes later than I told B I would be.   Everything looked good, so we got the go ahead to start.  They counted around 17 antral follicles, which is good.   Today is my 4th day of clomid.  So far it hasn't been horrible.  Just headaches and slight nausea.  I've also had some twinges in my lower abdomen-- hopefully lots of follicles growing.  Tomorrow is my last day of the 'mid, then I start the gonal-f!  I'll go to my home clinic on Tuesday to check to see how the ovaries are doing, trigge...
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It's Go Time!

I'm in what will *hopefully* be my first and only IUI cycle.  It feels weird to be doing all of this from a distance.  I will get baseline monitoring on Monday and move forward from there.   I'm not particularly optimistic for this cycle, nor am I pessimistic.  I know it only has around a 20% chance of success at best.  Part of me feels so ambivalent about this.  I suppose I'm trying to protect myself emotionally.  If this cycle doesn't work, I'll go SCUBA diving and drink mai tais in Honolulu right after my period stops.  If we do get lucky, I'll happily abstain from the diving and drinks and enjoy my 7 days in paradise.   I hope to be better about updating as we move through this cycle!  
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One Decision Down

Our donor went in to make another donation for us, and the freeze/thaw test was bad.  Really bad.  The sample went from 32 million to 1.7 million, which isn't even worth the IUI.  The doctor asked if we would be able to have a fresh donation the day of IUI so that the numbers can stay good.  For that to happen, we will be travelling for the IUI.  The little one and I will be driving the 6 hours back "home" to do this.   Meds have been ordered.  I'll be on 100mg of Clomid +3 days of 150iu GonalF, trigger, then hopefully back to back IUIs.  (I don't know that donor will be able/willing to come in two consecutive days).  I'm expecting AF in about a week.  I can't believe we are here already.  If it doesn't work, we will try again in September.   I'm still nursing.  Since my previous post, the Little Cutie has finally taken to drinking another kind of milk.  That makes me feel so much better about the potential of drying up when I start meds.  ...
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Decisions Decisions

Today is CD 1 and we are going for the IUI next cycle.  I believe we'll be using clomid for ovulation induction.  I'm super excited, but still need to figure things out.  I'd love any thoughts, opinions, advice, etc.  As I've mentioned, we moved states 10 months ago, which has created some issues.  Our sperm is in old state.  My old Dr. said they can ship it to us, or we can go back there for the procedure.  We can do monitoring here, and just go back for the procedure.  Or, we can stay just stay here.  We really don't want to tell anyone what we're up to, so in that sense it makes sense to stay here.  On the other hand, I really like my old Dr. and I would love to have some time to visit with friends back home.  We have no trips planned to go back right now and I would really like to go this summer.  It would also be a welcomed escape from the oppressive summer heat.  I think I'm leaning towards going back for it, bu...
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