can't stop

I'm having one of those days where I can't stop crying.  I don't think it is any one thing in particular, rather the sum of all parts.  I miss my brother.  I want to call him and talk to him.  I need his advice.  I held little babies three days this week.  I did better than I thought I would, but it still made me sad to know that most likely, it will never be my baby I'm holding.  I still don't know what to do with work.  I interviewed to go back to the school I spent my first 4 years teaching at.  I won't find out if I got it for a while, but I don't know what I will say if I do.  I miss a year ago.  I miss my optimism for the future and my brother.  I miss having my life make sense.  Almost an ignorance is bliss thing. 

Comments

  1. 'Murgdan'June 13, 2009 at 5:25 AM

    I hear you. I held my sisters baby this week, though only for about 2 minutes as that was all I could take. My eyes have been 'leaking' at inopportune times ever since.

    I talked with a friend about returning to school for my pHD. Because I can't think of anything else to put in my future right now...

    I miss looking forward to what 'will be'...now that what 'will be' is a complete mystery.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LorzaJune 13, 2009 at 1:11 PM

    {{HUGS}} I am sorry sweetie. I have no soothing balm...just lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. EllaJune 13, 2009 at 1:29 PM

    (((HUGS))) I am so sorry Emmy. I'm thinking of you, wishing there was more I could do to help take your pain away. Some days are easier than others, that is completely normal... but it definitely doesn't make it easier. :/

    ReplyDelete
  4. CocoJune 13, 2009 at 8:57 PM

    Thinking of you girl.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

a switch

Yesterday, I was cooking dinner, as I always do and B was watching some science videos that he has been into.  He has been interested and started learning lots of things about the universe and space.  I can hear the tv and the typical narrator and know what he is watching.  Then, I hear something about an egg being released.  Huh?  When I looked, he was watching something about conception and how the cells begin to divide and form the different parts.  I've never seen this curiosity in him.  I'm excited to see the change in him and his inquisitive nature delve into this subject.  Hopefully this will continue to grow in him as we approach June.  We still haven't heard from D (donor) about his decision.  He said he would let us know in a week, which will be next Tuesday.  I think that if we haven't heard from him by Wednesday, I will send him an email and offer to pay for him to talk to a psychologist or someone about it to help him s...
Read more

Up, Up, and Away!

My baseline monitoring went well, although I was quite frustrated with the experience.  My home clinic wrote the wrong date on the order form, so we had to wait for them to open to get new orders sent.  Then the monitoring clinic was having network issues, so couldn't get the fax my home clinic was trying to send.  I was stressed about getting home and relieving B of parenting duties so he could get to work.  Eventually it got straightened out, and I was only about 15 minutes later than I told B I would be.   Everything looked good, so we got the go ahead to start.  They counted around 17 antral follicles, which is good.   Today is my 4th day of clomid.  So far it hasn't been horrible.  Just headaches and slight nausea.  I've also had some twinges in my lower abdomen-- hopefully lots of follicles growing.  Tomorrow is my last day of the 'mid, then I start the gonal-f!  I'll go to my home clinic on Tuesday to check to see how the ovaries are doing, trigge...
Read more

11 DPO

On Saturday, I really felt pregnant.  I was so sure that I was.  Yesterday, I didn't feel it at all and was so sure that I'm not.   The clinic told me to test on the 26th, but I knew there is no way I could hold out till Thursday to test.  With my IVF cycle, I got my first BFP at 11 dpo.  It was light, but it was there.  Today, my test was clearly negative.  I can see where the second line should be, but there is not even a hint of color.  I know that 11 dpo is early, and all of that, but I think I am out for this cycle.  I'll take the progesterone for another few days, but all signs point to this cycle as a bust.   I'm taking this a lot harder than I thought I would.  A lot has changed/happened in the last 2 weeks, and I don't know if/when we'll be able to try again.  And as much as everything that has hit the fan in the last week makes the timing extraordinarily bad, it would have been a nice beacon of hope.  I'll keep testing until AF shows (which sho...
Read more