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I don't know what to do regarding the RE and stuff. As I said, I think I like Dr. 2 better in terms of protocol, more personal attention, and things. But, I also think that I would like to be checked out, to make sure everything is good with me. My CD 3 bloodwork came back on the way to the airport. My FSH was 7 and E2 was 60, which seem pretty good from the limited research I did. Even though Dr. 2 said he did feel the need to run tests, he said he would if I wanted to. I am thinking of a sonohysterogram to ensure that my uterus is a suitible habitat for a dividing, implanting blastocyst. I still go back and forth about whether I want have a baby at all. One moment I think, I can still start this with good timing with respect to the school year if I go right now. And, another moment I think I don't want to take the risk. It's the angel and the devil sitting on each shoulder wispering in each ear. With Dr. 2, I can go in for a day 21 baseline u/s on Aug. 8th and...

It was a great trip to Hawaii. Amazing. Just what I needed. We did a ton of great things, which I am debating posting all about, but I did get a ton of great pictures. Maybe next week for show and tell. This was truly a vacation-- I really was distracted from my problems. It was amazing. I even thought of that at one point. I hadn't really cried since we got there (a little teary-eyed once or twice) and it was a few days in. That is the longest I had gone in over 4 months. I was visiting places I had only been with my family, as a child, and recounting memories of swimming in that waterfall with my parents and brother. And going to this store, and other adventures with my brother the last time I really spend time on Maui. I think the fondness and tenderness of my memories, and their ability to come flooding back, made me feel glad. I have a lot of memories tied to that island. I visited there twice with my mom, dad, and brother when I was in the 9-11 year old range. ...

Well, no decision about which doctor to see, but a step taken. I had CD 3 blood work drawn today. I am going to go ahead with all of the blood work this cycle, to make sure my ovaries are functional appropriately. I've thought about it a lot, and I think I would like to have all of the pre-IVF diagnostic testing, but prefer doctor #2's cycle strategy better. Doctor #2's statistics are just too difficult to ignore- his 2006 live birth rate was twice #1's, and every other year it is a decent percent better too. I know stats aren't everything, or really anything, but I feel like I live my life by them! I can't decide whether or not to take my computer with me on my trip. We leave for Maui tomorrow evening! There are only a few more things I need to get to get us all together. Crap, I need to move the laundry! I don't have a phone that can email, so if I don't take my computer, you won't be hearing from me until next Thursday! This is a much nee...

I had a lot of fun this week!! On Monday, we went to see Incubus at the Hollywood Bowl . It was a fantastic show. If I could go again tomorrow, I would in a heart beat! On Tuesday, one of my good friends flew into town, so I picked her up at the airport and we hung out and ended up seeing Harry Potter that night! There is a theater not to far where you can reserve your specific seat ahead of time, so we did that and didn't have to wait in line!! Then we hit up some outlet stores on Wednesday before meeting up with her mom later. That night, I went to play Bunco with some coworkers. Lots of excitement! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This weekend, we are headed to a two day wine festival! It should be a fantastic adventure filled with laughs and alcohol. I just hope not to get too drunk! We shall see. We are leaving town in four hours, so I'd better get going! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week, I had initial consultations with two different REs. They were actually more differen...

I have a lot to post. My brain is a scattered mess of it all, and I don't know whether to put it all in one post and break it into sections, or put it in multiple posts. Most pressing right now is my mother. I'm finding myself needing to take care of her and resume a parental role to her, as I did after my dad died . I am finding myself resenting her for it this time and don't know how to handle it. I don't have the emotional capacity to take care of anyone right now. What people don't understand is that I was grieving our IF before I was grieving my brother's death. I can't rebuild her just yet. I need someone to help rebuild me. I think I have the support network, if I asked for help, I don't know what to say to people, and they don't know what to say to to me! Next post to include (hopefully) stories of the REs and the choices to come, vacation, fun things I've done the last few days, fun things this weekend, cancer, and questions ab...

I am meeting with two different doctors next week to start the process of my work up and see what they have to say about B's options and our chances. I trust the urologist-- all he does is male infertility. And, I emailed him yesterday, asking him questions and he just emailed me back and is going to call later. He has already contacted the REs to give them our background. He is so good with personal attention! I am compiling a list of things to ask the RE. Have you gotten couples with NOA, no known/clear cause, pregnant? Success rates? What do I need to do before IVF (hormone panel, hsg, etc.)? What protocol would you recommend for me for a first round? How long would I prep for, before starting stims? If no sperm is found, and we don't have a donor back-up, will I still have the retrieval? Can the eggs be frozen? Any financial incentives for this clinic? What are your costs? What kind of monitoring do you do during a cycle/after a + test? How many embryos would be trans...

I made an appointment with an RE for next week. I figure, this is my summer break and I have time to make appointments and actually go to one that starts before 3:30pm. Did you "try out/interview" REs? Or, did you just go to one and say okay? Did you look up their sart scores? It is expensive, so I don't want to try too many, but I feel like I should meet with at least two to get their opinions. What did/would you do?

that I think about getting pregnant a lot?  Not just like, "oh, I wish B and I were/could get pregnant," but more of, "I'm about to ovulate and need to find a sperm donor."  Obviously, not seriously, but my brain still goes there.  B doesn't quite get it.  It would be so much easier with a few swimmers in there.  At the same time, I am still totally terrified of the whole prospect of anything going wrong.  I just saw an ad for a series show on TLC about people not knowing that they were pregnant until labor.  If only.  Sigh. 

I'm doing better today!  I haven't cried yet!!  I even slept well last night.  I hope this keeps up-- at least through the weekend.  Anyone know of any good loss grieving blogs/networks (non baby/child loss)?  I feel like that might be beneficial to me.  I'll have to start researching. Happy Independence Day, for all of you USA people out there! 

I've been doing pretty badly since yesterday. That lady I mentioned in my previous post , really picked the scab off of my wounds. I was up for a little over four hours after that post, putting me to bed as it was getting light outside. Even though I'm not working full time right now, I still had things to do so I had to get going fairly early. So, now I feel like a zombie and I am debating whether or not to take a nap. I am worried that I won't be able to sleep tonight. Although, I do have a few amb.ien left from an old prescription, which I forgot about last night. I have another prescription medication for my anxiety. It help and it helps me sleep. It also makes me generally more lethargic. I eat more when I am on it, which is a problem. I have been trying (although not well recently) to lose some weight, and all of it will come back if I take this med. Being fat makes give me anxiety, so it is sort of a double edged sword. Before meeting that lady yesterday,...

Today was a crappy day, and now I can't sleep. It was another one of those floodgates opened days that just would not stop. I had to deal with a stupid lady for two hours that was a constant reminder of everyone who has died on my dad's side of the family. It didn't help that as this moron was talking to me about my brother's, I could see my father and brother's grave site out the window. The whole thing was just a reminder of how my dad's family treated my brother and me after my dad died. And now, I can't sleep. I tried, but I just kept dry heaving or crying. Hopefully an episode or two of Sex and the City will help. I've been sighing a lot recently, and I don't even notice that I am doing it. Today, when I was waiting in line at a store, I did it, and the person in front of me turned and looked at me. I don't even know why. Then tonight, I was doing it again and B kept asking if I was ok or mad at him. Things are going to get better, ...