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I've been so busy the last few days, I've had no time to post!  I keep thinking of all of these things to write about.  Last night, I was sure that I have 2-3 posts in me, and now as I sit here, I can't remember all of the things I wanted to say!  Lets see.... weight update:  weight loss sort of stalled, plan to up the exercise a little bit garden update:  garlic, cilantro, and lettuce all sprouted!  Plants are all filling out well and growing, except the cucumber.  Only 1/5 in ground cucumbers seems to be living, and the upside down one is doing well too.  The watermelon has grown a lot too.  I hope to see some fruit starting to grow soon!  baby plans update:  none, really.  still waiting for follow-up appointment on 5/20.  starting to use the room that would have been the nursery for other things, sigh.  Work and personal life is keeping me pretty busy.  Always so much to do.  Hopefully, my thoughts will return to me soon.  

I got on the scale this morning, in my pajamas, and the digit in the 10's place was a number lower than I've seen since last June! I'm only two pounds under that decade milestone, but it feels good none the less! I hope that next weekend I'll be able to report that I am now in the middle of that decade rather than the top! If I can't have kids, I at least want to make sure I don't look like I just did or am going to soon. My BMI is down 1.5 points since the beginning of March. 3.5 more points until I'm in a "normal" weight range. That's 23 more pounds, 80,500 calories to burn more than I eat. I'd love to accomplish this in 12 weeks. That's July 18th. I'm gonna do it.

Back to work is so hard! It is amazing how exhausting working is! I don't like being this busy and not having time to blog and garden and stuff. Yesterday was a 7am-9pm day for me. Too much! Not that I can really complain for the last 2 months I have a job. Job update news: If you live in CA, PLEASE vote yes on the 1's on May 19th. If the 1's don't pass, even more teachers will likely get lay-offs. After the election, if 1 passes, my district will likely rescind some pink slips. I am working on adding to my credential, but that won't go through until June or July. I don't know why, but I am not really stressed or worried about my job. It's probably everything else going on. The rest of the school year is going to fly by. 8 weeks from today is the last day until summer! Sorry for the boring update. Although, honestly, it's kind of nice not having anything interesting going on.

This week, for show and tell, I am going to show you some of the gardening stuff I've worked on in the past few days. First, we bought our house about a year and a half ago. It was quite neglected when we got it. We hate a lot of the landscaping (ivy) and have been working on removing it for over a year. It is a long, hard, and slow process. I decided to take a break from that and work on something else that I would be easier to tackle and have a noticeable difference. The front walkway it is. When we bought the house, it had this creeping fig vine growing all along the side of the house as you walk up. While it looks pretty and green, it is bad for the stucco and provides homes for insects, spiders, and mice. So, we decided to remove it. Cutting it and pulling it off of the house was easy, but the roots went deep, and we called it quits for a while. The stuff has slowly been coming back, since we never fully eradicated it. Today was the day to get the roots out. With

I am really starting to notice all of the many faces I wear each day and how they change depending on who I am around. My spring break has really been a nice break from having to shift my personality so much. I tutored one hour this week, and that was almost the only time I really had to pretend. I went out to lunch with my mom, MIL, aunt, and mom's friend, and that was one of the other times. The rest of the week, I've been able to be myself, and comfortable, and free to think what I want without others noticing. I've been alone, with B, or with my mom. Mostly alone. I've had some bouts of boredom, but I've quickly found something to do. Now, I'm about to go meet some friends, which I want to do. Then, my BIL will be here and spending the night and hanging out tomorrow. It is so exhausting to pretend for that long. At least B can easily distract BIL and he won't even notice that I'm here, but still. I did have a productive day yesterday, and

Sperm count still zero. Nothing in there. Blood test results in a few weeks.

Because there is never enough drama in my life.... First, a "quick" back story: When my dad died, my parents were separated. They had not divorced, thus my dad's life insurance and will named my mom as the beneficiary. My grandparents decided that because my parents were separated, my mom should not get a penny of his money. (my mom was still a stay-at-home-mom and dependent on my dad for any money) My mom pretty much conceded, and trusts were set up for my brother and I with the money they took from my mom. (they also made her pay them back money they had given my dad to pay off the mortgage on the house). My grandparents were quite well off on their own, and what my dad left was nothing compared to their assets. After my dad died, my grandparents changed their will so that their estate would be split between their two surviving sons, essentially cutting my brother and I out of my dad's share. They did set up a small trust for us, which we would get when we

Today you would have turned 61. This is the 13th birthday we've not gotten to spend together. I miss you so much and hope you are taking good care of your son. I love you.

Well, first, this doctor is SO MUCH BETTER than the last urologist we saw. Talking to this guy, made me so glad we didn't listen to the last. It was a $1,000 day, but hopefully it'll end up worth it. We started by going over our history and test results to date. He said that B has NOA, which we already knew. He then took B into an exam room and did a quick exam and found varacoceles in both testicles. The last guy didn't find these. Apparently they are even visible on one side. So, that could be affecting this, or it could not. They did a repeat s/a, but we didn't wait for the results because it was getting late. The nurse will call tomorrow and see if they found anything. They were going to centrifuge it, so that any sperm cells will be concentrated into one drop, which we're pretty sure the lab didn't do. If nothing is found in the s/a, he recommends microsurgery at the same time time as an IVF cycle. He opens the testicle, and uses a microscope to i

So, apparently, all I needed to do was write about AF to get her to show! So far, it's not too crampy. So, the appointment is in 2.5 hours. It is almost 40 miles away, but we are allowing over an hour and a half to get there, since we do have to go into LA. I am so nervous. They said it would be a 60-90 minute appointment, complete with semen analysis that we'll get to see under the microscope too (not that there will be anything to see). I don't know what to expect or hope for. Best case is that they will really look all through the semen and find a handful of sperm. Please, oh please find something. Anything that can give us a biological child. Please, pretty please. I probably won't be home and able to update until 7pm my time (pacific), but I will as soon as I can! Think spermie thoughts for us! And, thank you for all of your thoughts and support. I've never felt less alone in the world.

I didn't cheat on my husband, so I can't be pregnant. I'm only one day past my longest ever cycle of 29 days, but it is typically 26. I know that I have been through a lot emotionally this cycle and that will have an effect. It already has. Flo stopped completely on CD2, when I found out about my brother. I'm kind of nervous/afraid of the vengeance I'm expecting as a result of the abrupt stop. Hmmm.... I wish I knew what was going on in there!

My weight has always been an issue.  I've always been "chunky" in some way.  I've always been aware of this-- mostly because of the comments of others.  No one seemed to mind letting me know in some fashion that I was too heavy.  Even as a child, when I had P.E. everyday at school and played sports outside of P.E. I didn't lose the flab.  When I was playing basketball and running track, my knees started hurting.  "Well, maybe if you drop a few pounds, there won't be so much pressure and strain on your joints."  When I got to middle school, the teasing really began.  I wouldn't quite say that I had an eating disorder, but that was the time I first tried to cut my food intake by about half.  Fortunately, it was also a big growth spurt for me, so I grew almost two inches and lost about 15 pounds in the course of about 4 months.  I was still chunkier than all of my friends, but could just barely fit into all of the cute fashions and stuff the teen

Ah... Spring break. 10 consecutive non-work days. I don't have any major plans, just lots of little ones. My goals for the week are to catch up with laundry, plant my yard for spring, and visit with people I don't get to see enough. Oh, and start an exercise routine. I'm kicking off my break today with a trip to jcpenny and lunch with a friend who lives 350 miles away, but is in town! Even fitting in little things here and there, it feels like my days are already spoken for. Ok, time to get a move on!

in ghosts? Or, spirits from beyond our existence, or whatever? How about a 6th sense of sorts, like psychics being able to predict the future. Or astrology? I know, I know... it's kind of weird. When I was a child, I some how decided that my dad was going to die when he was 52. I don't know why. I would have been 19 when he was 52. He was 47 when he died-- 3 weeks from 48. An astrologer who I worked for many years ago (child care) gave me a free astrology chart interpretation about 6 years ago. She saw either my brother or one of my dad's brothers dying in late 2008. I remembered this and took it to heart, because she told me that everything looked good until then, which it mostly was. Mid January, I remember thinking about this prediction and thanking anyone listening that it didn't come true. Less than two months later, it did. Yes, it was outside of '08, but not by much. We have some family friends who have a friend who believes that she can contact

Someone sent this to me last week.  I like it.  I'm Free Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free I'm following the path God laid for me. I took God's hand when I heard the the call; I turned my back and left it all. I could not stay another day. to laugh, to love, to work or play. Tasks left undone must stay that way. I found that place at the close of day. If my parting has left a void, Then fill it with remembered joy. A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss. Ah yes, these things too I will miss. Be not burdened with times of sorrow; I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow. My life's been full, I've savored much, good friends, good times, and a loved one's touch. Perhaps my time seemed all too brief, don't lengthen it now with undue grief. Lift up your heart and share with me- God wanted me now, God set me free.

I'm doing ok. A little bit better, since the burial on Wednesday. It comes and goes, as I know it will. I've experienced enough loss in my life to know. I'm terribly worried about my mom though. She called me today and said that she is a basket case. It sounds like she hasn't gotten out of bed the last few days. I don't know that I have the strength to comfort her. I dread going over there, but I know that she needs me. I just don't have much to give. I think I'm going over tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure it will be fine, but hard. I'm still having a hard time catching up with my life and what I need to do. I just don't have the motivation to get off the couch if I don't have to work. I think I will resume tutoring again this week. It has been quite a few weeks, and I need the money. At least it will keep me busy. Now only if I could get the laundry done... I really don't mean to keep coming here and typing sad things, it jus