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Now I am sick. I have a cold. It really came up suddenly. Yesterday, a little tickle in the throat and today the nose faucet won't turn off. Now I am really glad that I had planned to take all of tomorrow off. I'll have a lot of time to rest and sleep (hopefully) before the burial at the cemetery and dinner at my house after. It is a lot less people than it would have been if it were not postponed, which is easier on me. But, I did make two trays of lasagna for the event, and now I don't know if I should cook both of them tomorrow night. I probably should. Even if that means I am eating lasagna for the next several days, I'll do it. I guess I can give some away too. Food is good. Hot cheesey, melty, deliciousness. I hope I can taste it tomorrow! In non-death related, infertility news, I made an appointment for my husband to go to a male infertility specialist. It's in about a month. The appointment is going to cost a pantload of money, but I think it ...

It has been two weeks exactly (nearly to the minute) from the discovery of my brother's dead body. I was sitting at my desk at work, right where I am now, when the phone rang and my mom told me the horrible news. The past two weeks have, understandably, been a whirlwind of emotion for me. I left my mom's house two weeks ago and all I could think was that I wished I were pregnant right now (well, duh!) because I felt like we needed something positive. Part of me still feels that way. My family really needs something good to happen, and I wish I could give that to them. He left a big hole when he died in the hearts of so many. A new addition to the family would not fill that hole, but hopefully it would take up some space inside so that the hole is more squished. Now, at this point, I think I might be too afraid to even try to have kids. I don't know that I could handle a loss. I am too broken and shattered to deal with anything other than happy-bunny thoughts/events....

I went back to work on Tuesday. It was hard. I was most worried about seeing everyone at the beginning of the day. I wanted to get to work early, sneak in, and just hide in my room until school started, but I was late leaving the house. So, lots of kids saw me and ran up to me, and a few teachers saw me as well. Kids came running up to me, "Mrs. M., Mrs. M.!" Hugging me and telling me they missed me. This nearly sent me to tears. They followed me as I briskly walked to the classroom. Everyone knew why I was gone for 5 days. My brother went to the school that I teach at. His class picture hangs on the wall of the multi-purpose room. A ceramic tile that he made is cemented into school property. His friend's mom is the school nurse. Even though I've only worked there since late August, I've made great friends of my grade level teammates. They covered for me, wrote sub plans for me, arranged for the sub the first 4 days, and even attended his service on ...

At 4:30 a.m. the alarm rings. It’s dark outside and the light from my window is the only light visible from the street. The day had finally come; I was going to get my SCUBA diving certification. Little did I know that this day would change my life forever. Excited and nervous, I raced to get dressed, not noticing that I had put on one blue shoe and one black. I gathered my bulky gear and headed for the car. My father and brother were not far behind with their own heavy loads. As we drove to San Pedro to get to the boat that would take us to Catalina, our excitement grew. All of the hard work we had done was about to pay off. We were about to reach our goal. As we neared the terminal, the sun began to creep up over the horizon, illuminating the morning sky with its gold and orange colors. We finally boarded the boat and began our forty-minute trip to the island. The water was cold and choppy. The wind was blowing strong and the swells were large – not good condition...

Throughout this whole ordeal, I've been amazed at the support I've gotten from friends and colleagues. I've also been flabbergasted at the comments and support I've gotten here. I really don't think that I've ever felt less alone in the world, if that makes any sense. Thank you so much for your comments and positive thoughts. It really means a lot to me. One day at a time. Today is lasagna day for Wednesday's burial-- my dad's recipe. Ironic.

Second semen analysis confirmed 0 count. Ultra sound showed everything normal. Urologist doesn't recommend biopsy or continuing to try to have our own kids. He says move on to adoption. I say find someone who specializes in NOA. Off to the mortuary.

This might be the worst post ever. I can't really think or understand anything, let alone write or type coherently. Yesterday, towards the end of my work day, I got a call on my classroom phone. I answer it, and it is my mom is on the other end, hysterical. After asking her to repeat it, I heard her to say that she thinks my brother is dead. The paramedics were working on him, but she thought he was gone. I instantly said that I'd be right there. I called the office and told them I had to leave right away. They sent someone up to cover my class for the last 30 minutes. I ran to my car and dashed out of the parking lot as fast as I could. I drove as fast as the other cars on the road would allow. I called B as soon as I got to a main road. He left work to go there too. I got there first, ran into the house, and saw my mom and step dad sitting on the couch in the living room and two paramedics standing there. He was gone. He had been gone for a while. We don't kn...

So, yesterday B went to have his u/s and repeat SA. He hasn't really told me much about it, so I assume it wasn't too bad for him. We'll have a follow up appointment next Tuesday to hear the results. In the meantime, some parenting tips for you! Warning: Drawings of babies ahead!

Just at the right time, I decided to do our taxes. Thanks to our first full year of home ownership and mortgage interest, we get some money back. Like, more than two months of the part of my salary that we live on (not counting what gets put into savings). It pays us back for what we paid to them at tax time the past two years. This will really help right now. Now I just need to figure out the work thing...

I've been laid off. I got my notice today. I finish out the school year and that's it. I know that I'm lucky that I have a few months to work on another employment plan, but I am still really sad. As much as I don't like to work, I love my job. I love my coworkers. I am happy to go to work everyday, with the only exception of getting up so early and the fact that I hate to get up to an alarm. I know that I can be rehired back, and that there is a chance that I will have no time of really being unemployed, but it is such an unknown. It may happen, or it may not. I don't know how far I am to being rehired at this point. What a great night. I hope you're doing better than I am.

Thank you for your kind thoughts on my break down.  The job thing still looks pretty bad, although I think I'll be the 11th person hired back, not the 17th, so that is good.  I'm also working on getting other authorizations for my credential, so that there is more that I'll be "highly qualified" to teach.  One potentially good-ish thing that I did learn yesterday is that one of the insurance carriers I can pick through work, if I have a job, at least, may cover 50% of fertility treatments.  I still need to see the coverage booklet, and of course have a job.  But, that could help us a TON!  The only bad thing is that the rest of the coverage is not very good.  Maybe I could just use that HMO for a year and switch back to my PPO after that.  Lots to think about!  Thanks again, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Yeah, Sunday was bad. Lots and lots of tears. That baby shower evite hit me harder than I thought it would. I just kept thinking about this girl and how it is never going to be me. B could clearly tell that I was not doing well, and asked what he could do. I, of course, told him that he was doing everything that he could, although then I changed my mind and told him that he could schedule the follow up urologist appointment for a few days after the ultrasound. I want to know what we are up against even if we can't cycle for a year. I was able to calm down and B and I had some fun going down memory lane of our childhoods. We each had a box of photos and old things that we hadn't looked at. That was a ton of fun. I especially liked seeing pictures of my dad. B hasn't seen many pictures of him, as he wouldn't really let people take pictures of him. Then the work email came. Cuts at my level are expected to go much deeper than I thought they would. From what it ...

I just got another baby shower invitation.  I wasn't expecting this one.  There is no way in h**l I'll be attending.  Ever since this girl got pregnant with her first, she has been totally intolerable.  She throws an attitude of superiority because she is a mom, and that clearly makes her better than anyone who is not.  She also things she knows everything about kids and pregnancy and no one else knows anything, even her husband. And the biggest kicker-- she brags that she has only TTC two cycles and she's about to have her second child.  I can't even stand to be in the same room with her anymore and I haven't been since August, when I learned she was pregnant again.  Oh yeah, and I can't stand the girl who is throwing the shower-- she is a liar and a user.  Sounds like a fun day, doesn't it? What's funny is that there are not that many people who I don't like.  These two "best friends" top the list though.  I just want to scream.

One of my favorite things to do on the weekends is go wine tasting. I am fortunate to live close to Santa Barbara wine country and can make it a day trip. We like to try some wineries we've never been to and visit some old favorites. At one of the new ones we tried, I saw this sign. I didn't particularly like the wine, but was amused. Wine country is so beautiful! I'd kind of like to live there. I wish I were there right now! Head on over to Mel's and see who else is sharing something!