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Thursday was open house at my school. I am not one of those always neat/tidy/perfect people. My classroom is usually a mess. I have piles of papers on my desk, piles where the kids turn things in, and piles other places I can put things down. My "organization" system seems to work most of the time-- rarely is it that I can't find something. But, it still takes me a while to clean everything up and put stuff up. Here are some pics from my room right after open house. My kids did Charlotte's Web artwork, which is up high, on a black background. They also made books that fold up and tell about the setting, main plot points, and characters. The books are really neat because they fold up into 3 inch squares and unfold 3+ feet long. They were really neat Left to right: What is a planet board, cookie division, create your own planet. Patriotic art: We have been studying the solar system, so you can see a few solar system projects here. You can also see our symmetry...

It is that time of year, when the school year starts coming to a close. There are 14 more days of school! That is an exciting and scary thought. I know I am going to be changing classrooms or grade levels for next year, which can be daunting. I've changed a lot, so I am not too worried about it. It just makes it hard to know what to do with a lot of my stuff. Tonight is open house! I worked on my room all afternoon and now have two hours off until I have to go back. It is so much work! I ended up sort of cheating and taking my piles of stuff and putting it in the work room! Oh well! There will be time to clean over the summer. I feel behind on blogs and commenting, and am trying to do my best. These next three weeks are going to be busy! After that, however, I'll have more free time than I want and be anxiously waiting your updates! I haven't forgotten about you, I've just been busy.

The wine trip yesterday was great-- we're already back. Everything was great except for the drive back... that was a mess, or perhaps we were a mess! B got me this painting for my birthday from the first winery we stopped at yesterday. It's one of our favorite wineries because it is an art gallery along with the wine. The wine is fantastic too! The painting is painted with wine. She cooks down wine of different varietals to make paints, and really makes some beautiful things. I think the next one I want is Bloom . So far, my birthday has been pretty good. We are going out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants tonight, so that will be good too. Head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is sharing!

If you have a moment, please go and support Katie. I first met Katie over a year ago on the 'village. She is always so kind and supportive of others. She went so above and beyond after my brother died, making me a gorgeous collage of photos of him that we used as an invitation to his memorial. Katie's husband died yesterday while fighting leukemia. Around the same time they found out that the vasect.omy reversal failed, they found out about the leukemia. My heart breaks for her and her family. Please go give her a hug . Thanks.

So, we had the appointment today. The one with the expensive doctor. No genetic issues. No chromosomal abnormalities. No reason for NOA . The choices ahead of us: 1.) Repair large vericocele on left and medium on right, wait 6 months- a year, repeat s/a (doctor says this has between a 30-50% chance of working to get sperm in the eja.culate) 2.) Go with IVF off the bat and do a mTESE-like procedure the day before the egg retrieval and hope for sperm. (doctor says 75-80% chance of finding sperm to use with icsi) Downside to this is that one in four to one in five chance of nothing. Doctor suggests donor sperm as a backup. I'm ok with that, B is not. 3.) Adopt- again, I am okay with this, B is not 4.) Live child free-- B is okay with this, I am not. In other news, I get Friday and Monday off this weekend. B and I are going to his parents house Friday morning and are being picked up and driven to wineries for 5 hours and dropped back off. Then we are staying the night at h...

What is one word that describes you? Resilient. I think that is it. I've never been able to answer that question, but I think that now that is my answer. Not that I ever get asked anymore, but that is what my answer would be. Main Entry: re·sil·ient Function: adjective : characterized or marked by resilience : as a : capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture b : tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change What do you think? Do you have a word?

So, I've posted here before about my weight loss issues. I've decided to jump on the blog weight loss bandwagon. The more things/people to hold me accountable the better! So far, I am down about 8-10 pounds, depending on the day. I still really should lose another 25 pounds. That will put me at the top of my healthy weight range for my height. I've been there before-- assuming I exercise to get there, it will be really hard for me to get too much under that. At the top of the 'healthy' range for my height, I've been a pretty muscular size 6-8. I've always had a more 'atheletic' body type, not that I'm trying to deny the fact that I've been overweight most of my life. Sigh. So, I'm joining: Who's with me?

So, I was supposed to take a big test today to add to my credential. This morning, I decided that I was not going to pass, so I didn't even go. I totally chickened out. I wouldn't have passed, and I know that based on how I did on the practice tests. I decided to not even try. Man, I suck! This week for Show and Tell I will give you a garden update! You can see what it all looked like a month ago. The upside-down cucumber is doing really really well! I need to put more dirt in there but even still! I think it has grown more than the one in the ground! (planted the same day, from the same 6 pack) At first the watermelon seemed to do really well and it looked like all five cucumbers had died. Then, one cucumber (left) came back! The watermelon (right) seems like it is coming back too. The tomato plants sure have gotten bigger! I need to get a few more cages for them! I hope they all start fruiting soon! Right now, one plant has two tomatoes! I forgot to take a pic...

The scene:  Another work baby shower Coworker shoves other coworker's 2.5 month old baby in my arms.  Oh, you're such a natural!  When are you going to have kids? Um, I don't know... we'll see what happens.  You're so lucky, you're young and can start popping out kids whenever.  It's so hard loving kids as much as I do and knowing you are not going have another one.  People say in a year, I may want to have another with <new boyfriend> but I'm 40 already, I don't think I'll really want another.  It's just so sad to think that I'll never have another baby.  9 year old son and 7 year old daughter will be it.  Thanks.  I'll keep that in mind. 

I got my pink slip rescinded!! I will continue to be employed and have health insurance! So flipping excited and happy. This is the best I've felt in two months. How nice to have some happy tears for once.

The in-laws are safe back in their house.  There are some amazing photos of the fire here.  It's a relief to have them safe.  I feel so badly to all who lost their homes.  These things are just so horrible.  Over the weekend, B and I had a good romp the other day.  It was nice.  AF is on her way, so I know we'll be out for a while.  I can't believe how fast time seems to be going, which is a good and bad thing.  Hope you are doing well.  Thanks for reading! 

Well, I made it through mother's day with only two minor break downs. It is hard to believe that a year ago, we were hoping to announce our pregnancy on mother's day. Ha. We had the 4th annual mother's day brunch at our house today, with my mom and MIL. All of the food was good and eaten. I had my spring concert yesterday. The concert went well and I didn't mess up any of my solos! The in-laws spend two of their 4 evacuated nights with us. One was planned a few weeks ago and Friday we found out about a few hours ahead. It sure is annoying to have people in your house who do things so differently! They got to go back to their house this afternoon though, so that is good. They never lost power, once it came back after the fire first began. It's hard to believe that 1/3 of their city was evacuated. My uncle (ass) of course decided to ignore the mandatory evacuations and stay in his house. As my other uncle said, "He's an idiot!" I just hope...

Since the azoo diagnosis, I haven't felt sexually attracted to my husband. I feel guilty about it and wish that it wasn't the case. We probably still do it 2x a week, but I know B wants more. I wish I did too. I love him with all of my heart and soul. I don't know. I don't know how to fix it. I wish it were not so. Any suggestions?

My in-laws are evacuated again, for the second time in 6 months.  The last fire that ripped through Santa Barbara in November burned up to their house, including most of their landscaping, patio furniture, bushes next to the house, melting a candle inside the house, and even the dead leaves in the gutter downspout, leaving burn marks on their roof.  Yesterday they were told to leave again.  I think their house will be okay, because of the previous fire clearing out the brush, and unfortunately homes, on all sides of them.  They seem better this time than last-- I think because they packed up better after learning the lessons of the last one.  I'm kinda glad they didn't flee to our house, like last time though.  Is that horrible?  I don't know.... things don't seem to be going so well....

Last week, my mom spoke to a medium for an hour. Ever since last Tuesday I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I think someday I might actually even get better.

The end of the school year is a whirlwind.  State testing this week, open house, packing up my classroom, finishing the curriculum, preparing for a difficult test in less than two weeks, plus tutoring after work 3 days a week and music rehearsal one night a week, and I am finding myself with no time!  I hate it!  I've been reading blogs but not commenting to the degree that I like to.  Also, I really want to spend more time reading Tertia's book again, as well as a stack of others.  I should be in bed by now, but I need time at home, and can't bring myself to get home at 9:20pm and go to bed less than half an hour later.  One of the things I did have time for today, was a bit of internet browsing.  I came across this fantastic article, Say the Right Thing:  Helping a Loved One with Infertility .  As the title implies, it is written for people know about your (my) infertility to help them understand better, or at least realize that my reaction to things is normal.  I wish ...

So Close: Infertile and Addicted to Hope is the first infertility book I've read. I still consider myself fairly 'new' in this process. After all, I haven't even had any infertility treatments! The first thing that struck me as I started reading was that I felt like I was listening to a friend tell me her story. I found myself relating to most of Tertia's thoughts and feelings. Towards the beginning, Tertia mentions getting the feeling that getting pregnant was not going to be as easy for her as it is for others. I really got that feeling after my third cycle temping/using OPK, perfectly timed sex, everything. I was always worried that it would take me longer than I wanted to get pregnant. I don't quite know why, except for my thinking that I don't tend to get anything that I want, so if I really wanted a baby, that would be difficult as well. That third actively trying cycle is what really confirmed my fears. I thought that it was a problem with m...

How are you? (asked with that familiar head-tilt and forced frown) I'm ok, how are you? Oh, I'm fine, but how are you?? I have my ups and downs, blah blah blah. I don't know how to talk to people. Part of it could be that I don't know how I am doing. Sometimes I am ok, and sometime I am a complete mess. Most of the time, if I talk about it, I cry. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes I know the things that set me off, sometimes I don't. Today, I was driving home and I was looking for my brother in law's phone number in my phone book. On the way, through the J's there it was. The nickname I called him and two numbers I'll never dial again. That was enough to send me into full tears. Yay. As I type this, my mother in law called! She managed to make me cry again. " Your mom said that you were over on Sunday and that you took some of J's things. That must have been really hard. " Thanks for pointing that out. I never realized that it w...