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Clearly, I am not having IVF anytime soon for mental and financial reasons. I don't even know for sure that I want to go through it with a 20-25% chance that they won't find any sperm in B. It seems like too much chance for failure when we statistically have been falling on those small worst case scenario percentages. In the meantime, during the next 10-11 or so months that we will be saving and getting therapy and stuff for that. So, here's my idea. What if we have B have the varicoceles removed now in an attempt to avoid a later surgery and the whole question of what if. Yes, we have a really high percentage of failure rate with this one, but regardles, getting the varicoceles out must help any sperm production that he has going on in there. Even if no sperm show up normally, hopefully any little pockets that are there will be able to produce more. Of course, B has to agree to this too, but what do you think? Sound reasonable enough? Is is a waste of a surgery f...

Thanks for all of your kind words on my garden. My 'babies' and I appreciate it!! I do finally have a tomato that is starting to ripen!! It is amazing how different it looks from the picture I posted 3 days ago. Yes, I plan to make lots of fresh salsa and bruschetta once things start to ripen. I have jalapenos and some other hot peppers growing too. I also have an avocado tree, basil, and cilantro growing! I need a lime tree! The cucumbers TOTALLY look like little penises. I can't wait until they get bigger !! How do you know when cucumbers are done? Pick them before they go soft and floppy? Thoughts? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The father's day party was bad. I made it a little more than an hour without breaking down and crying. Actually, probably closer to two hours before the flood gates opened. At first, I thought I'd be able to hide it, and I had B help me compose myself, but not so much. Everyone ate outside, but I stayed inside by myself. My 9...

Today is my husband and my third wedding anniversary. It's been a crappy year, but we've pulled through together. I almost feel like if we make it through these hurdles, we can make it through anything. We went out for a nice dinner to celebrate. I posted pictures when I started the garden , and again about a month later . Well now, here we are a little over a month after the last garden update! I took some close-ups of the actual plants this time. The plants are getting pretty big, but nothing is ripening yet. It's been a relatively cold June after a blast of heat in May. I'm not complaining-- I just want some delicious tomatoes to ripen so I can eat them! These are the early girl tomatoes. They are supposed to be done first, 56-63 days. Well, it's been over 60 days and they are not turning red yet! I wonder if it is because of all of the 'June gloom' we've had this year. From Blogger Pictures Ok, here are the 'lemon boy' tomatoes. T...

Thank you, dear coworker, for calling and reminding me that today must be a sad day for me. I hadn't figured it out yet, and appreciate the information. I no longer have a father, a brother, and a husband who can be a father-- I had almost forgotten! Father's Day 14 years ago was the last time this day passed where I didn't cry. I had a father then. And a grandfather for that matter. We were together on father's day in 1995. I recently looked at pictures from a camping trip we took around then, and came to the realization that I am the only one still living from that trip. How is that possible? I'm not even 30 years old, and everyone from a family trip 14 years ago is gone. How the hell is my 25 year old brother gone? Even last year, I had my brother to hug and commiserate about dad with. Last year I foolishly thought that my husband would be a dad by this year and we'd have something to celebrate. Now that is something to add to the cry about list in...

The money issue. I've talked a little bit about money before, and I hate it. I hate what it does to people . I got my job back, so that future is brighter. I miss my brother SO much every day and wish I could call and talk to him. Every time I'm at my mom's house, I expect him to come bounding down the stairs and start pounding away on the piano. I think about all he wanted, but never got to accomplish. One of the big things that he wanted was to get his money from my dad's life insurance. He had asked for it, and was supposed to get it, but then he died. Now, apparently it is mine. My uncle C, the nice one, told me on May 9th that he should have money for me in a week or so. I figured that meant two, but it has clearly been 6 weeks since he said that. I don't want to seem greedy, but I want to spend it as my brother would want me to. We have a long list of money to spend (mostly wants, not needs). Expenses: Windows for the house -$ 13,000 (want/need-r...

This is my 100th post! I feel so new in the blog world, but also strange that I am not posting about infertility crap much anymore, because there is nothing going on. But, here's to 100 posts! And, there are even a few readers out there! Thank you, to all who read and support me. This world is amazing. I haven't yet made a decision about how to proceed with the infertility, but I did make a work decision. I am not leaving schools. I am going to stay at the same school I was at last year and be at the lower grade. It will be the easiest start to the school year I've had in a few years. I like having the decision made. Thanks for your help. My aunt had a mastectomy this week, and is doing ok. I think the best thing to come of this is that my mom is busy taking care of her sister. She has something to focus on other than my brother's death. I need to get pregnant to give her a grandchild or two to focus on. She needs things to live for, as do I. Oh, it's...

I'm having one of those days where I can't stop crying.  I don't think it is any one thing in particular, rather the sum of all parts.  I miss my brother.  I want to call him and talk to him.  I need his advice.  I held little babies three days this week.  I did better than I thought I would, but it still made me sad to know that most likely, it will never be my baby I'm holding.  I still don't know what to do with work.  I interviewed to go back to the school I spent my first 4 years teaching at.  I won't find out if I got it for a while, but I don't know what I will say if I do.  I miss a year ago.  I miss my optimism for the future and my brother.  I miss having my life make sense.  Almost an ignorance is bliss thing. 

The wine weekend was awesome. I didn't get to go to all of the wineries that I wanted to, but I'll be back there in September, if not sooner. This was easily one of the best weekends I've had in 2009-- my birthday weekend is up there too. I almost got drunk enough to forget about our IF! From my list before, I only made it to two of the wineries! We did go to five others not on the list though! It was hard for me to dictate where we were going, since we were in a short bus with 4 other people. The driver made all of our decisions. Of the additional five we went to, two of them will be on the list to revisit! We will definitely go back to Castoro Cellars (Dam good wine, as their motto says) and Eberle. We (only, ha) bought nine bottles wine and port. I would have liked to get more, but it is hard to justify spending the money, after I just bought a car. The couple that we went with is a TON of fun. We did lots of silly things, including building a beer tower in ou...

Missy tagged me for this a while ago, but I always forget to go back and do these things! The Rules: Mentioned who tagged you Complete the list of 8’s Tag 8 people 8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO: The end of the school year! Catching up on things I've been neglecting Our anniversary Losing weight Getting the windows replaced in our house Figuring out our baby plan Getting my hair cut Relaxing 8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY Went to work Had a meeting in a bar Cooked dinner Comforted a friend with cancer Worked in the garden Slept Finished report cards Caught up with a good friend 8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO Get pregnant Have a healthy baby Fit into clothes 2-3 sizes smaller than I can now Knit/Crochet Paint (pictures, not houses/rooms) Sing (and sound good) Fly Come up with brilliant/creative ideas 8 SHOWS I WATCH House Hunters Grey's Anatomy Private Practice Desperate Housewives Family Guy South Park Hells Kitchen The Universe 8 FAVORITE FRUITS Watermelon Cherries Strawberries Pears...

Thank you for your kind comments on the last post. I'm doing better today. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do with work (or anything, really). Hopefully, my weekend plans will keep me pretty distracted. I'm going away for the weekend! I am going to Paso Robles to go wine tasting! Yes, again. Yes, I was just wine tasting two weeks ago, but hey, if I can't get pregnant, I'm going to get drunk. We are going with my best friend and her husband. The only problem is that there are more wineries that I want to go to then we have time for! Also, the wineries in Paso are sort of divided into three regions, which makes it difficult. We have a van driving us around tomorrow, so hopefully we'll hit all of the wineries I want to go to in one of the regions, making it more possible to stop by the others on Sunday. I'd like to go to: Zin Alley Doce Robles EOS J. Lohr Opolo Peachy Canyon Summerwood (if we have time) Cambria (on the way home in San...

Oh, what's wrong??? Nothing. No, really.... what's wrong? Uh, I'm okay.  Why do you look like you have been crying? I guess because I have.  But why ? So many reasons, so little time.  The flood gates would not close yesterday.  It was so bad, I locked myself in my classroom and turned off the light during recess, lunch, and after school.  I recently used resilient to describe myself.  I'm starting to feel like that rubber band that got stretched out so many times that it just can't go back to it's regular shape.  I can't even get close to getting back to my normal shape before I am stretched again.  I'm starting to worry about that breaking point.  I feel myself getting closer and closer to that point.  This whole work thing on top of everything else is just too much for me.  Sigh.  When is this going to get better? In good news, I wore a pair of pants today that I haven't fit into for over a year.  Still really should lose 20 pounds though...

I have a problem with being indecisive. Well, I guess that's not true (see, I told you!), if I feel really strongly about something, it is not a problem. The issues lie when I don't really care. Or, I care, but don't know what to choose. For example, I needed a new car. There were two cars I was choosing between. They were so similar in so many ways. I ended up deciding by who could give me a better deal. It actually worked quite well-- playing the two dealerships against each other. We all know about the choice I have to make regarding having a baby. Yesterday, I was given a choice regarding my job. Currently, I teach 3rd grade. I was given the choice of moving to 1st or kindergarten. I picked 1st, because I've done it before. I was forced transferred to the school I am currently at this past school year because the previous school I was at was shrinking. There is a 1st grade opening at my old school. So, the question becomes: should I stay or should I g...