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Well, last night was a relative success.  There were no problems, really, with anyone.  It was nice.  I was ready to leave a bit earlier than we did, but whatever.  My FIL and I got into a nice heated discussion about school vouchers.  We totally disagree, but had a nice hug after.  I had a minute to tell BIL that I have an update on what he will be involved in.  He asked to come for dinner and spend the night tomorrow night, and said we'd talk then (he got a new job much closer to our house than his).  So, we may actually have some sort of an answer from him on Monday. 

I think RE #3 it will be!  I liked what he has to say.  He was a good middle ground compared to the other two.  His kids go to school in the district I teach in, and when I mentioned that I wanted to cycle in June, assuming I didn't get a pink slip again, he offered to help with the costs a bit-- both his office costs and the costs of meds.  There is potentially a progesterone clinical trial among other things that might get me a lot of the meds free.    The office staff was really nice, and everyone answered my questions well.  They also don't need a 6 month quarantine for donor, so that puts that fear out of my mind.  7 days, plus lawyer business is all we need.  He wants to put me on an antagonist protocol, thinking I'll respond better than to a Lupron protocol. He expects me to produce 12-15 eggs.  Have any of you done the antagonist?  I think it means I'll have less shots. I'm excited. 

I haven't seen the IL's or anyone other than potential donor BIL (who we still haven't heard from) since Christmas .  That will all change on Saturday.  We are going to B's parents house for dinner, and it will be the exact same cast of characters in the exact same place as Christmas.  I'm really worried about how this is all going to play out.  I really don't want to go crazy there.  I know what I need to do so that doesn't happen, but the problem with that is the execution.  I never want to lose it, but it inevitably happens.  I drink too much when I am with them (although this was not the problem at Christmas). SIL drives me nuts.  She's a two-faced trash talker.  She will go from person to person around the house talking trash about someone.  She talks trash to me about BIL's girlfriend and our MIL, she talks trash to BIL's gf about me and MIL, and she talks trash to MIL about anyone she can think of.  BIL's gf is someone I can'...

I'm losing it, I swear.  It feels like the universe is turning against me again.   I had a meeting yesterday, and I walked out contemplating a change in profession.  Seriously. Any ideas of something else I can do? My computer wouldn't turn on yesterday.  At all.  Then, I borrowed someone's battery and it magically worked.  Now it works with my battery, but I'm worried about it dying.    AF arrived yesterday- not that I was expecting anything different.  It's just that little reminder of where I am.  Still haven't heard from BIL.  I have a RE# 3 initial consultation on Friday.  Hopefully the 3rd time's the charm. 

"It's you!  I just know it!  You've lost some weight, it must be because of the morning sickness!" No, it's not me.  I'm not pregnant. "But is HAS to be you.  Who else could it be?  You just don't want to tell because it is too early" No, really.  It's not me.  I promise.  I haven't cheated on my husband.   "Well, who else could it be?" Um, one of the other 20 teachers of child bearing age at this school.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've guessed the other two pregnant teachers, before I even knew there were pregnant teachers at my school.  I have 'pregodar' (like gaydar, but for preggos) and really can sense the preggos around me.  I hadn't pegged a 3rd teacher, but I heard a rumor that there is a third when I started being hounded, and I think I have it figured out.  Its the one on her 3rd engagement and 3rd marriage in 5 years.  She's reaching the top of her realistic baby time, so it makes sense. ...

Ok, I now know that BIL has checked the email account I sent it to, as he forwarded an email from that account today.  I still have not gotten a response, but at least I know he read it, or at least saw it.  I agree that he might want to talk to us in person tonight, although we won't have a ton of time before the other guys get there.  We won't bring it up this weekend.  B has still not signed on to the donor thing 100%, but knows that we need to start the process in case it ends up being ok.  I really need him to be okay with it, and I think he will be... eventually.  I'll be holed up in my bedroom this weekend, cleaning out my closet and trying to find clothes that fit!  I am now, officially, in the "healthy" weight range for my height!! 

I still haven't heard back from BIL .  He said he'd let us know within the week (last Tuesday).  I emailed him yesterday and offered to pay for counseling if he wanted to talk to someone about this.  The problem is, I think I sent it to his secondary email address and not the main one he checks.  (damn gmail putting their email addresses over the more commonly used one) Here is the other piece- he is coming over tonight and spending the weekend here.  B is having a guys weekend, so there will be two other guys here too, but BIL will likely get here before them.  Do I say anything?  Should I ask if he got my email?  I don't want to put any pressure on him. My 3rd initial consultation with an RE is a week from today.  I'd like to have an answer from him by then.  I did intentionally build in extra time for him to respond before my appointment, because I know he doesn't do well with deadlines. 

My principal said this to me today, "Don't ever get pregnant, because after the baby, you have to deal with the kid." Thanks for that piece of assvice.  Why did you go into education? They were talking about problems that come up when pregnant, because I teacher I work with had a pretty bad complication (though she and baby are fine now).  Still, not appropriate. 

I'm not really a gambling girl.  I like to go to Vegas, but I usually don't gamble more than $20.  I did do a little bit of gambling over the weekend, and came out ahead.  All that said, I'm fiscally conservative.  I'm a saver, not a spender.  You see where this is going, don't you?  I'm having a hard time with the money and our chances and everything.  How will I reconcile all of this if it doesn't work?  Will I feel guilty about spending that much money to try for something that I want? I'm also worried that I've been discovered by someone I know IRL.  I saw the city I work in come up in analytics yesterday.  It is a city of about 25,000 so I know the chances are small, but it still makes me nervous.  Do people you know IRL read you?  Did you let them, or did they find you?

Yesterday, I was cooking dinner, as I always do and B was watching some science videos that he has been into.  He has been interested and started learning lots of things about the universe and space.  I can hear the tv and the typical narrator and know what he is watching.  Then, I hear something about an egg being released.  Huh?  When I looked, he was watching something about conception and how the cells begin to divide and form the different parts.  I've never seen this curiosity in him.  I'm excited to see the change in him and his inquisitive nature delve into this subject.  Hopefully this will continue to grow in him as we approach June.  We still haven't heard from D (donor) about his decision.  He said he would let us know in a week, which will be next Tuesday.  I think that if we haven't heard from him by Wednesday, I will send him an email and offer to pay for him to talk to a psychologist or someone about it to help him s...

This week has been so strange, with the high anxiety leading up to Tuesday's talk .  The rest of the week has felt like an emotional cake walk.  Despite my lack of sleep Tuesday night, I was feeling really good on Wednesday.  I was SO ravenous, it was crazy.  I certainly gave in to my hunger, but not as much as I used to.  It just felt like such a weight had been lifted.  We are still waiting to hear back from D (donor).  I didn't expect to hear from him yet, but part of me was hoping for a quick yes.  I had to push back my appointment a few days.  I'm bummed about that, but it's only a few days.  I feel like I need to be doing something else towards getting pg.  There must be something (other than working a ton to save up money) that I should be doing.  It's strange not to have something pushing me right now, it sort of makes me feel off.  Is there something I'm forgetting?? In response to previous comments: Yes, I'd love...

Ok, well, we did it.  We asked.  It went about as well as we could have hoped.  He listened and asked a few questions.  We started by telling him that we had a question for him and that we didn't want/expect an answer tonight.  We also presented the three answer choices we would like to hear by next Tuesday.  a) Yes, I'd love to be your kid's father b) No way c) I haven't decided yet, but I am willing to start the process to become approved First, he said that he needs time to think, as we expected, but that he will let us know within the week.  Then, when I clarified the answer choices and what they would look like, he said that right now, his answer is c.  That made me so happy.  I think he will lean towards the yes side, but I am trying not to get my hopes up. The one thing that he said that made my day, was that he felt that this is 100% his decision and that he will not discuss this outside of our house.  I love him for this.  ...

Darn it!!  B's brother got a flat tire and had to reschedule dinner until tomorrow.  I am SOOOO bummed.  I was so anxious today, I was dry heaving all day.  I guess I can look forward to another day of that tomorrow.  I just want to get this over with!  A big thanks to all of you for your support.  Thanks for delurking-- feel free to chime in any time!  I love to hear from you.  Also, thanks for your suggestions and support for this talk.  B's bro doesn't know about the IF yet, but he did find out in August 2008 that we were trying, so who knows what he's thought of/figured out since so much time has passed since then. 

Tomorrow is going to be a big day.  B's brother is coming over for dinner tomorrow, and we are going to ask him if he would be a donor for us.  I am SO apprehensive about this.  I keep thinking about how to start the conversation, but it just gets my stomach going.  Any suggestions?  How is he going to react?  What if he says no? He'll likely have a lot of questions, and I hope we can answer them.  In 36 hours, the conversation will be over.  I'm so curious to know where we'll be with all of this in two days.  I'll keep you posted.  

In the spirit of delurking week, come on in and say hello.  Seriously!  As a lurker and generally shy person, I know how intimidating it can be, but please?  Be anonymous if you want.  Oh, and there are a few (I can think of two specifically) of you who do leave comments, and don't have a link to your blog in your profile.  I want to find/re-find your blogs!  I had my annual peek-n-poke today.  According to the doctor's scale, I've lost 28.5 pounds in the past year.  She looked at me, and commented that I had lost weight.  I love this doctor that I see.  She is not on my insurance, but I've been going there for 13 years.  She remembers (writes down and rereads before she comes in) lots of personal details that really make it seem like she cares.  I told her that if I do get pregnant, I'll have to change doctors because of the insurance thing, and she said that they often work out a deal with people in that situation and it is ...