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Now there are 5 teachers at my school who I know are pregnant. That is 1/6 of the teachers. Another baby shower. yay " Now YOU have to avoid a summer due date, because having a sub start the year really sucks!" Yeah, ok, I'll do that. Thanks.

Did you hear about the lady in California that gave birth to octuplets the other day? What kind of drugs did she take for that to happen? I'll be lucky to get one baby. She has 8 in one shot. Someone at work said that she already has six kids at home too. It's just the story that I need everyone talking about. "Woman has litter of babies." I wish I knew who to give credit for this, but as B says: Yes, those are the Duggars, with their dozen and a half children.

Well, the doctor didn't really have anything to offer us. He asked some questions, and pretty much said that part of B's reproductive factory is broken. The testosterone making part is working, but the sperm part, not so much. He is recommending a testicular ultrasound and a repeat s/a. The step beyond that is a biopsy. So far, we are under the blanket of B's insurance and we can have the biopsy covered too, but if they find anything useful, it will go to waste. He gave us the name of a fertility clinic, one I already found and bookmarked, and told us they could do the biopsy too, we'd pay for it, and anything found could be frozen and hopefully used later. It's hard to know what to do. I think we'll wait for the u/s and labs, visit this doctor again and go on from there. The doctor was impressed by what I knew and B was glad to have me there. I wish we came out of this with better news, but I didn't really expect that. So, onward ho!

Well, today is the first official "you have no sperm" appointment with the urologist.  I am SO nervous, even though I think I pretty much know what is going to happen.  I have an anxiety issue-- so bad at times that I vomit, like during the first dance at my wedding, but that is another story!  I expect dr. to inspect B's junk (as he refers to it) and to look at the lab tests, and to schedule a testicular biopsy (assuming no blockage is palpated).  Then I'll have anxiety about that for a while.  With my job security so up in the air right now, I don't expect we'll move forward with IVF anytime soon, not that we can afford it anyway...  Oh, please let it just be a blockage somewhere that can be cleared out.  Please, please, please, please, please.  Pretty please, with a cherry on top?  Hopefully this day will just fly by!  Ha!  I'll update after the appointment (4pm PST).  

Yesterday left me feeling very lucky for what I do have going well in my life. The day itself was productive, but quite nice. After eating lunch, we went for a walk around our neighborhood. It was fun to look at houses that are the model match to ours and see what people have done to them. When we got home, we spent some time cleaning the house. (I know, cleaning doesn't really sound like a great day, but it was productive! Plus, we've sort of been neglecting everything having to do with the house since the azoo diagnosis 3 hours before our New Year's Eve guests arrived.) So, our house no longer looks like we had a party a few days ago! Then I decided I should prune the roses! We had mostly had a break in the rain yesterday, with more rain on its way today and tomorrow. We do all of our own yard work, no gardener, so we are like the last ones with rose bushes! I was happy that there were 2 beautiful roses for me to cut and enjoy first. I also picked 3 little toma...

I went out and did something fun last night! I took an appetizer and martini cooking class. It was great. I love to cook and love learning new recipes-- especially delicious ones! It was great to have a distraction while time seems to stand still. The menu: Olive bruschetta with a peachy-champagne martini Smoked chicken salad wrapped in a lettuce leaf with a chili-lime martini Mushroom/phyllo triangles with a citrus martini Shrimp spring rolls with a passion fruit martini Kitchen gadgets I now want: A stove top smoker A julienne peeler - this was the awesome! It was so easy to get carrots into these perfect little strips with one motion.

lab results from 2 weeks ago.... LH- normal Testosterone- normal FSH 25.2 (14 mIU/mL above highest end of normal range) So, it appears that my husband is in some sort of testicular failure. I know we need to urologist to give more info, and I have not found a ton of good stuff yet on the internet, although I have only spent about 5 minutes looking. Not the news I was hoping for, but when is it ever?

Me:  What are some adjectives that describe Grandfather in this story? 3rd grader 1: sad 3rd grader 2: depressed 3rd grader 3: He should take cymbalta.  It helps the people in those commercials!  Me (losing composure to laughter):  Unfortunately, at this time there was no cymbalta yet. These kids make me laugh everyday.  There is always something new. 

Just because having no sperm isn't enough.... I found out that I may lose my job!  Because the CA budget is in such shambles, the state is looking to make major cuts to education.  That translates to 6-8 million for my small district of 12,000 students.  This will likely lead to our wonderful class size reduction being taken away, which will cut about 45 elementary teachers.  We have 600 teachers district wide, so that is a fairly large reduction in staff.  Great.  Thanks.  Just the good news I needed.  To any of you who live in CA, please contact your state representatives and ask them not to cut the education budget.  You can go here: http://capwiz.com/nea/ca/issues/alert/?alertid=12194556&PROCESS=Take+Action   for easy access.  This is not just for my job, it is for your child's education.  Imagine how much more individual attention your child will get in a class of 20 kindergartners learning to read than they w...

Yesterday was a nice day off for me.  I really didn't leave the house over my 3 day weekend, which made it feel pretty long.  Perhaps not the smartest idea, but I spent yesterday on the couch reading IVF/IF blogs and watching the Jon and Kate + 8 marathon.  An interesting dichotomy, to say the least!  I don't know why, but I feel like I have started this week with a weight lifted off of my shoulders.  I don't know if reading about others' struggles made me feel better about our outlook, or if the humor I read in some blogs affected me more than I thought.  Either way, I'll take it while it lasts. Next Tuesday is the big urology appointment.  I'm a bit anxious for that, and know that my formerly banished (due to ttc) ativan will come in handy that day.  I'm sure I'll feel completely differently next week or perhaps tomorrow or in  a few hours, but I'll enjoy this peace while I can!  <I wonder if t...

How do you deal with all of this? What are your tricks? Does it get easier/harder? What do you do when you are having a particularly bad day? We are still a little over a week until our urologist appointment. Thank you very much for the comments posted below about things to consider. It is just so difficult to think about where we go from here. DH hopes that magically there is going to be something that they can do to "fix" him and that we will still be able to conceive the old-fashioned way, but from what I've read, that doesn't seem very likely. It looks to me that our chance could come from IVF/ICSI or donor sperm. Currently, DH won't even consider donor sperm. He doesn't want it to be my kid with some random person. I asked about a known donor-- like one of his two brothers. He wouldn't hear any of that either. I want a baby. I want a family. This is not as important to DH. He knows it is important to be and is willing to do what we need t...

DH's job for today was to call the urologist. I asked him to email me with the appointment day/time, but have not heard from him. Because I don't know how quickly it could come up, I would like to have a list of questions ready for the appointment. I know it's early, but I want to be prepared. The facts: s/a 12-30-08 showed count = zero pH was high (That is what dh says, but I don't have a number) DH referred to urologist new labs 1-6-08: FSH, testosterone, karyotyping, and one other I can't remember I'm new to this whole land of if. From what I've read about azoospermia, there are two types- obstructive and non-obstructive. What should we expect/ask from here? Are there any tests missing? I know a lot of what we'll need to ask will come from what we hear from the new lab tests, but I would like to know more about what is to come. What is in store for us?

I don't know why, but I am actually feeling a little bit better right now.  This afternoon, I have almost felt like my old-ish self.  It's strange, but a welcome break.  I actually wanted to return phone calls today after work AND I just opened my IM programs, for the first time in 2 weeks.  I also have a bit of hunger!  I don't know why I feel the way I do.  Nothing is better or has been resolved.  I better not over-analyze and just enjoy this while it's here. 

Can I email a post and have it show up?  Let's find out!

I have this social awkwardness problem. I am a social idiot. I don't think I generally do well with people. I have "friends" at work, but no one I really see socially from there. I have one or two people who I see every once in a while and a few who I instant message. I'm just not that good with people. When I get like this, back on the verge of depression, I am SO much worse with people. How long can I use the excuse of being tired/sick for? I've only known these people since late August-- they've never seen anything other than happy me. I've been pretty happy for over three years, which is a record for me. I've forgotten how I deal with people when I'm like this. Do I hide in my classroom all the time? Under the blanket of working, of course, but that will get suspicious rather quickly. Do I just pretend that I am happy? That is probably the best option, but I don't know that I can yet. Maybe I just need to try. How do I answer q...

So, I've been thinking about planning a vacation for DH and me. We have enough miles for two tickets to Hawaii and there are seats available for my spring break in April. Do we spend~ $2,000 for hotel/condo, car, and food? Or, should we be saving money like crazy for IVF? It's going to cost us quite a bit to get sperm out of DH, assuming he has any, on top of icsi. I'm torn between wanting to take a nice vacation, probably for the last time in a long time if we are moving forward with this ivf stuff, and trying to save every penny. Advice?

Pap, normal. Thyroid, normal. I guess I'm just fat. I think I have to join a gym. I've put on 40ish pounds in a little over two years. I wasn't thin in any way to begin with. I think that is my new goal-- 40 pounds. At least that is something I can control- sort of. I have clothes in my closet/under the bed in 5 different sizes. I'm in the highest now. I' love to get back to 2nd-3rd lowest (that is where most of my clothes are). It would just be convenient. Plus, hopefully an ego boost. I'd love any diet/exercise tips! I know I need to eat less and exercise more. DH had blood taken, but still hasn't made an appointment to see the urologist. I know this won't happen, but I'd love to go to urologist appointment with DH. He is so clueless about so much of this stuff! He doesn't know what to ask/expect/think about. He doesn't want to talk about it or have me ask about it. He asks me what is wrong every day. I don't know wh...

Someone made me laugh pretty hard at lunch today. It felt good. I've missed smiling and laughter. It didn't last long, but it was good. I hope it happens again soon.

Today I had my annual peek and poke today. When I made this appointment about two weeks ago, I was expecting it to be different. I expected to be really talking to a doctor, for the first time, about my IF. With DH's news, there was really no need to bring up my concerns with my short LP. Basically, she told me to lose weight before getting pg. Also, she decided to run a test on my thyroid. Ah joy. I'm still having a hard time being social at work.

"How are you? "Fine" "Really? You don't look that good. Are you sick?" "Sure, I must be getting sick." I don't even know how to answer those questions. Sad, heartbroken, lost, confused? I don't really want to go into details with people and I am just stuck with that question. I am not really good at just putting on a fake happy face and pretending that it is all ok. I just want to hide in my classroom and not see anyone. Unfortunately, that will look more suspicious than anything. I'm grieving the child I'll never have. The fact that I'll never wake up and wonder if I'm pregnant. It is all just.... gone.

Well, time to get the stamp and brand DH and me IF. It's official-- I will never get pregnant with DH's seed. DH has no seed. Semen analysis back: count 0. We heard this fabulous news on New Year's Eve, about 3 hours before people started coming over. The doctor called in the morning with the results, but DH was still sleeping, so I didn't want to wake him. I asked if they could just get me the news, as I would know the right questions to ask and hat the results mean. He said, "there is nothing to be concerned about, I just need to give the results to him and he can share it with you." Uh, excuse me, zero sperm is nothing to be concerned about?? The only time I've been so unsensitively talked to by a health person is when my dad died and the nurse came out and said, "He's really bad." And, the first thing that goes through my mind is, "well, thank God he's not dead!" Turns out I was wrong. Well, from here, DH has some ...