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I've been hit by overwhelming sadness.  My BFNs have destroyed me more than I thought possible.   The past seven days have been incredibly emotional and life changing in ways that have nothing to do with making babies.  We are now unemployed, moving, and filled with uncertainty in nearly every aspect of our lives.  As horrible of timing as pregnancy would have been with all that the past week has brought us, it was my glimmer of hope.  My hope that something good might actually happen.  The part about trying again has also been taken from us.  We can't very well put money into fertility treatments when we have no more income.  I think that is where it stings the most.  If I knew that we could just try again in a month or two, I think I would be handling this better.  We also got news, less than two weeks ago, that our donor is most likely done helping us.  September would have been the last month for him to help, but now I guess it's done.  We do have about 10 mil. sperm on...

On Saturday, I really felt pregnant.  I was so sure that I was.  Yesterday, I didn't feel it at all and was so sure that I'm not.   The clinic told me to test on the 26th, but I knew there is no way I could hold out till Thursday to test.  With my IVF cycle, I got my first BFP at 11 dpo.  It was light, but it was there.  Today, my test was clearly negative.  I can see where the second line should be, but there is not even a hint of color.  I know that 11 dpo is early, and all of that, but I think I am out for this cycle.  I'll take the progesterone for another few days, but all signs point to this cycle as a bust.   I'm taking this a lot harder than I thought I would.  A lot has changed/happened in the last 2 weeks, and I don't know if/when we'll be able to try again.  And as much as everything that has hit the fan in the last week makes the timing extraordinarily bad, it would have been a nice beacon of hope.  I'll keep testing until AF shows (which sho...

It's official.  I am in the 2ww.  My second 2ww ever where I actually have a chance to become pregnant. Our drive went really well, and it has been nice to be back at my old clinic.  I didn't realize how much cheaper it is than the one I've been going to in our new state.  It is so much cheaper, that I could get a round trip flight to go to the old one and still save money.   My monitoring scan on Tuesday showed 4 mature follicles, which the doctor was very pleased with.  He asked if we would reduce if I got pregnant with triplets or more, and I said yes.  I promised B when we first started that twins was the highest number I would want to carry.  He said he could stick a needle in and drain two of the follicles if I wanted, though he said the chance of triplets was less than one percent.  I think we'll be lucky to have one baby stick around and make it, let alone two!  I'd be thrilled with twins though!   I triggered Tuesday afternoon, and had an IUI Wednes...

My baseline monitoring went well, although I was quite frustrated with the experience.  My home clinic wrote the wrong date on the order form, so we had to wait for them to open to get new orders sent.  Then the monitoring clinic was having network issues, so couldn't get the fax my home clinic was trying to send.  I was stressed about getting home and relieving B of parenting duties so he could get to work.  Eventually it got straightened out, and I was only about 15 minutes later than I told B I would be.   Everything looked good, so we got the go ahead to start.  They counted around 17 antral follicles, which is good.   Today is my 4th day of clomid.  So far it hasn't been horrible.  Just headaches and slight nausea.  I've also had some twinges in my lower abdomen-- hopefully lots of follicles growing.  Tomorrow is my last day of the 'mid, then I start the gonal-f!  I'll go to my home clinic on Tuesday to check to see how the ovaries are doing, trigge...

I'm in what will *hopefully* be my first and only IUI cycle.  It feels weird to be doing all of this from a distance.  I will get baseline monitoring on Monday and move forward from there.   I'm not particularly optimistic for this cycle, nor am I pessimistic.  I know it only has around a 20% chance of success at best.  Part of me feels so ambivalent about this.  I suppose I'm trying to protect myself emotionally.  If this cycle doesn't work, I'll go SCUBA diving and drink mai tais in Honolulu right after my period stops.  If we do get lucky, I'll happily abstain from the diving and drinks and enjoy my 7 days in paradise.   I hope to be better about updating as we move through this cycle!  

Our donor went in to make another donation for us, and the freeze/thaw test was bad.  Really bad.  The sample went from 32 million to 1.7 million, which isn't even worth the IUI.  The doctor asked if we would be able to have a fresh donation the day of IUI so that the numbers can stay good.  For that to happen, we will be travelling for the IUI.  The little one and I will be driving the 6 hours back "home" to do this.   Meds have been ordered.  I'll be on 100mg of Clomid +3 days of 150iu GonalF, trigger, then hopefully back to back IUIs.  (I don't know that donor will be able/willing to come in two consecutive days).  I'm expecting AF in about a week.  I can't believe we are here already.  If it doesn't work, we will try again in September.   I'm still nursing.  Since my previous post, the Little Cutie has finally taken to drinking another kind of milk.  That makes me feel so much better about the potential of drying up when I start meds.  ...

Today is CD 1 and we are going for the IUI next cycle.  I believe we'll be using clomid for ovulation induction.  I'm super excited, but still need to figure things out.  I'd love any thoughts, opinions, advice, etc.  As I've mentioned, we moved states 10 months ago, which has created some issues.  Our sperm is in old state.  My old Dr. said they can ship it to us, or we can go back there for the procedure.  We can do monitoring here, and just go back for the procedure.  Or, we can stay just stay here.  We really don't want to tell anyone what we're up to, so in that sense it makes sense to stay here.  On the other hand, I really like my old Dr. and I would love to have some time to visit with friends back home.  We have no trips planned to go back right now and I would really like to go this summer.  It would also be a welcomed escape from the oppressive summer heat.  I think I'm leaning towards going back for it, bu...

Sorry I'm late with the update.  It's been one hell of a week.   On Monday, I planned to take J to baby dance (a free class!!) to help wear her out before her nap, so I would be more likely to have uninterrupted time for my consult.  We were running late, so I decided to take her to the park instead.  While turning into the park, a lady who wasn't paying attention slammed into my car at over 40mph.  We are fine-- just shaken up.  After waiting for the police to come and all of that stuff, I made it home less than 10 min before my consult was set to begin.  The little cutie was exhausted and went down easily for her nap, thank goodness.  But, my head wasn't all in it.   The Dr. was great, and gave me more info on the two vials we have in the freezer.  Apparently, there are only about 5 million sperm in each vial, so he would want to use both at once for IUI.  Apparently the samples didn't freeze/thaw well.  BIL has agreed to donate more for us, and ac...

We have some exciting things brewing over here!   Last week, we took a trip back to visit our families.  Some relatives were visiting from the other coast, so we decided to plan a visit at the same time.  We had a great time hanging out.  On the last day of our trip, I got to meet up with one of my best friends who lives 6 hours from where we were, but was also in town visiting her parents.  As I drove past my RE's office on the way to see her, I started thinking about a second baby.  I really wanted around 3 years between births, but OMG how the baby fever has kicked in!   It didn't help when my friend mentioned that they would likely start trying in the fall for their second.  Her first is 7 weeks younger than my little cutie.  We talked a lot about the benefits of closer and farther apart spacing.  I really like the farther spacing so that J would be more independent, but do see the benefit of closer so that they play together better.  So, now I want to try sooner.   ...

Despite the lack of insurance coverage for IF that we have, I never really thought about how lucky we are to live in a country that allows such a wide range of fertility options.  Getting our official diagnosis, azoospermia, was SO devastating.  I can't even imagine how much more devastating it would have been if we lived somewhere with no options.  We were (and still are!) lucky-- we had options.   I read this article  recently that discusses some of the issues people face when they leave their country to pursue treatments they can't get in their own country.  If we lived in Italy, we couldn't have created our beautiful little girl.  Surrogates are illegal in France.  " A Turkish woman who becomes inseminated abroad with donor sperm faces three years in prison."   Can you even imagine?  Not surprisingly, people are coming to the US for fertility treatments that are illegal in their country.  Then, many of them face issues trying to get their kids recognized as ...

Welcome to Tasty Tuesday! One of my favorite things to do is make delicious things-- whether they be food or drink.  To help motivate me to try new recipes, to find new recipes from you, and to help encourage me to post, I thought I would start a weekly recipe feature.  Please join in and post a recipe on your blog.  Then link back to it below, using the handy Mr. Linky feature at the bottom, so others can find your recipe.  Also, please put a link to this post in yours, so others can participate too!  The more the merrier!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As I was walking down the alcohol aisle at the grocery store, I spotted caramel vodka for $8.99, so I decided to splurge, as I LOVE caramel.  I also picked up a small jar of caramel, thinking it would be a nice addition to a drink.  When I got home, I started looking up recipes for caramel martinis, but couldn't find one that worked with the ingredien...

For so much of my life, I've felt like an observer.  I've often felt like I was on the outside, just watching others have fun and live life.  I think that is part of where my social awkwardness comes from-- I've always felt like an outsider.  When we started having fertility troubles, this feeling intensified, as so many of my friends landed in the "if he looks at me funny on a day I was 45 minutes late taking my pill, I get pregnant" camp.  I think we all know how fun that is.   I thought once I had a baby, I'd feel more "in the club."  I did finally make it to the other side, the promise land, to Oz.  I'm finding myself, however, feeling like an impostor.  Like I cheated the system to get here, and let's be honest here-- I did.  If it were 20 years ago, we'd be one of those couples who everyone feels sorry for, because they can't have kids despite desperately trying.  When moms I'm friends with talk about their accident 3rd+ b...

Crunchy?  Soggy when wet?  Frugal? I've been getting some sort of off-handed remarks from people recently about being "crunchy" regarding some of my parenting choices.  My MIL included.  I know hippies, and I'm not one.  I do try to educate myself of different options, but a lot of the decisions I make are because I'm cheap!  Seriously.  Cloth diapering-- cheaper.  We use a combination of Thirsties covers with prefolds/fitteds and Bum Genius one size all-in-ones.  I wash them myself and put them in the dryer or hang them out, depending on my mood.  Since it's like 3,241 degrees here during the day in the summer (ok, I exaggerate.  It's only 115-120 on average) the diapers dry really quickly outside, so I can save the 'lectric bill budget for the a/c.  Breastfeeding-- free.  Well okay, there was the lactation consultant that came to the house twice.  Insurance covered 80%, so I paid less than $60.  And, ...

The Very Hungry Caterpillar is one of J's favorite books.  She LOVES it and brings it to us somewhere between 3 and 4,597 times a day to read to her.  Because of this, it became a natural theme for her first birthday party.  Yes, the party was really for me, and I knew that with everything is did to prepare for it.  It was so fun to have such an easy theme to base the party around.  Most of my ideas came from the internet and pintrest was a big help!  Here's what we did: The food table.  We used the story to dictate our menu, and printed out little signs with text from the book.  "On Monday, he ate through one apple."  I didn't really get a good picture of the food table or any of my signs.  The cupcakes!  We covered a foam cylinder in red felt to make the head.  Then, we just frosted yellow cupcakes in green frosting and arranged in this shape!  Here is the room that had the cupcakes.  You can see the caterpillar I m...

I've wanted to change it up around here, and I hope I don't throw you off.  Yes, We're one of THOSE Couples is now Other Side of the Rainbow.  I was never thrilled with the original title, but stuck with it.  Now that we've crossed over, it seems fitting.  I still hope to mess around with the layout/design a little bit.  Hopefully I'll come up with something soon!  Thanks for sticking with me! In other news, I figured out how I can be in two different blogger accounts at the same time, which has helped me to start commenting again!  I'm on one account in internet explorer, and another in chrome! 

We've got a big birthday coming up here in less than two weeks!  While I know that the first birthday is a celebration for the parents and not so much the baby, it hasn't stopped me from getting my craft on.  Since we moved out of state this past summer, we are having the party back where all of our friends and family are, so it is also a good chance to get to see people we don't anymore. As an elementary school teacher, I've always dealt with extra/broken/unclaimed crayons.  Bins and bins got filled in my classroom with the discards, and my kiddos always knew where to go if they were missing a color.  But, 30 pounds of extra crayons is excessive!  I heard someone mention melting down well-loved crayons and reshaping them to be useful again.  I decided that this would be a fun party favor for the kids coming to the party, and cheap for me to make. Originally, I was just going to use a regular muffin tin to make the crayons, but while shopping for other craf...

I've sort of struggled with blogging since I got pregnant.  It was easy to write about infertility-- it seemed like there was often a lot going on.  Now that we have crossed to the other side, it's harder for me to compose a post about my daughter on my infertility blog.  My computer time has also been rather limited with a mobile 10 month old who has been refusing to nap for more than 30 minutes unless I lay down with her.   I'm thinking of an Extreme Blog Makeover.  Maybe including a new title.  Perhaps that will give me some motivation and inspiration.   Then there's the issue of what to write about. I don't know.  I have some grand ideas, but am having trouble with the follow through.   For now, the little monster is doing great.  She's generally happy and loves most things.  It seems like she figures something new out each day.  She is such a little love, and I can't believe there are less than 6 weeks till her birthday.  We're still thinking of...

I'm nuts, I tell you, nuts!  Seriously!  More on this shortly. First, my little cutie is nine and a half months.  Ridiculous.  She still doesn't want to crawl, and very much wants to walk.  She is very clingy to me and takes a long time to warm up to people, although she's as social as can be in the ergo or a shopping cart.  It's been interesting.  She is still nursing, but eating more and more solid foods all the time.  She always wants to nurse after solids, so I don't know if they aren't satisfying her, or if she just likes to finish her meals with mama milk.  She is sleeping well.  In fact, she has been sleeping so much recently, I'm  not sure what's going on.  She goes to bed around 8pm and now typically wakes to eat sometime between 2-6am.  She will then go back to sleep, usually until 9am or later!  Sometimes she does wake up twice to eat, and sometimes she does want to just get up for the day at 7am.  She...

I can't believe that it's been two months since I've posted!  We've been pretty busy, but really, who isn't.  I've been a bad blog friend and have not been commenting recently.  I still read everything, but have not been leaving comments, and I'm sorry!  I'll try to do better! My sweet little cutie will be 8 months old this week.  She is doing well.  She was super close to crawling and sort of quit a few weeks ago.  Now she is trying to pull herself up (which she sometimes succeeds at) and stand.  She would much rather be upright than in any position.  She will also walk holding on to fingers if there is something she is motivated to get.  She gets really frustrated and screams quite loudly when she can't figure out how to get what she wants.  As much as it is nice to have a baby who doesn't move around too much on her own, I would really like for her to figure out how to crawl so she can get what she wants and become more independe...

We have moved into the new house and are getting settled.  We've made some good progress on our boxes, but still have a lot to go.  This house has a huge storage shortage, despite ample space for it.  So, we've had to buy storage cabinets and shelves and still need to put a pantry in the kitchen.  The problem is, we are out of money!  I've never had such high credit card balance and no money in savings to cover it and no income.  This is really hard for me.  I know in a few months, after the major moving expenses are dealt with I'll feel better.  Right now, though, I feel like I should be working and bringing in a pay check.  If you have any money-making ideas for me, I'd love to hear them!  This is really stressing me out! Juliet is now an expert sitter and is trying to crawl but moves backwards!  It's funny to watch.  She still hasn't cut a tooth, and either has her first cold right now or has a runny nose and 100.7 degree te...