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Remember the email I got?  Well, this guy announced his wife's pregnancy today on facebook.  She's due in June, so she was already pregnant when he sent it out.  I can't even congratulate them.  It makes me even angrier.  It was hard to go back to work today after a week off!  I'm exhausted.  I wish I was able to sleep more when I was off of work.  It's too late now!  I'm feeling like I'm being pulled into a dark hole.  I don't know how to catch myself from falling, but I'm trying.  B has been more negative about the donor thing.  I wish I knew how to convince him otherwise. 

It's natural.  We all do it.  We sit and we think about what has happened in our past.  We think about how things might be different if we made one decision instead of another.  I don't know if this is just me, most other women, or women who deal with MF.  Other than B, I've had longer-than-a-year serious relationship.  Only one other guy who ever really came close to being the real thing, and he was my first boyfriend ever, in high school.  We lasted two years and were a great fit together.  I was not ready for such a long-term, serious relationship at the time, especially since he didn't share the interest in going to parties with friends, which, as a 17 year old, I wanted to do.  I was bad.  I cheated on him.  He treated me like crap.  He went out of town and I cheated on him (by cheated, I mean I made out with another guy).  He forgave me, but I still ended up breaking up with him.  I was just ready for more experiences then he was and wanted that for myself.  I'

Tonight is the biggest of the OMG, I'm back in high school nights.  I kinda don't want to go, but I will anyway.  The big dilemma is... what to wear.  I'm going to a bar.  A slightly upscale bar in Hollywood or west Hollywood or something.  I really don't care what I look like, but people have gotten me worried that I won't get in.  I want to wear dark jeans and a cute top, but they say I must wear a dress.  I don't wanna!  I don't have any appropriate dresses for bars.  My dresses are all cocktail/bridesmaid dresses, and I don't know that that works!  I really don't want to be over dressed.  Can't wait till the night is over.

Return to high school day 3.  I am seeing high school friends again tonight.  Different people tonight than before.  This should be fun though.  Tomorrow will be night 4 of high school.  I can't believe how much of a reunion this weekend is turning out to be.  Thanksgiving was fun.  I didn't really fully cry, I just got a bit teary.  Everyone else seemed pretty well behaved, and there was no drama.  It's rare for that to happen!  How was your Thanksgiving? 

This past year has really taken a dump on me.  In my world, azoospermia, being laid off, and my brother dying were all quite traumatic.  For me, this was one of the worst years ever.  Despite how I've felt the past 11 months, I truly have much to be thankful for.  I think I am most grateful for people.  Specifically, the people who make my life worth living.  Those who listen, cheer me up, smile, laugh, love, and care.  Thank you for being one of those people.  I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. 

Well, it is officially the holiday season-- I just saw a chia pet commercial!  I went out tonight with another friend who is in town, and the flake showed up!  I did not even know she was planning to or invited.  She clearly used this other guy to get a ride.  I felt bad for him, but she somehow gets people to do exactly what she wants them to. It was fun to hang out, even if I just sat listening to one person babble the whole time.  I felt very old though, even though these people are the same age as me.  Probably because they are not married or seriously dating.  It's really interesting how time changes some things in some people.  It's been interesting to see, over the past month or so, how my middle and high school friends have grown.  Some have changed similarly to me, and we picked up conversation like we got off the phone yesterday, and others seem like aliens to me.  I'm blasting back to the past Friday and Saturday nights too.  An interesting weekend this will be!

So, the flake asked if I could meet her for coffee.  It worked out well for me timing wise, so I agreed.  Once I got there, I realized that she had also invited 4 other people.  Great.  I ended up talking more to another person than to her.  It was okay.  We all got up to leave, and as I was walking away, I hear that they are all going out tonight.  How nice.  Thanks.  I see how it is.  I won't be going out of my way to see you anymore.  I did get to spend some time with my mom earlier, which was fun.  Although, I think she was drinking behind my back, as she seemed to become more intoxicated even as I was there.  We played some rock band, which was fun.  I was pretty good on drums, and on vocals when I knew the songs.  My mom is great, and I think she enjoyed having me there.  B is making a pant-load of noise upstairs right now, and I have no clue what's happening.  I hope everything is okay!  Off to bed and to check on the sounds. 

I have this friend.  I've known her for a long time.  She lives on the other coast now, and is in town for two weeks visiting her parents.  She tells me that she wants to see me, but puts all of her other friends first.  She expects me to just be around for her all the time, and then flakes when we do make plans.  I'm getting so sick of it.  I just ignored a call from her, and she left a message.  I don't want to check it.  I don't want to her whatever excuse she has now for why she flaked again.  I'm sick of it.  I'll tell her that I have a limited time that I can see her tomorrow, and if it works for her, great, but if not, forget it.  I'm tired of being last choice with her.  It sucks.  I don't know what else to do. 

This weekend, I made habanero jelly.  It is so sweet, hot, and tasty!  I made about 7 cups of it.  We had some last night over cream cheese on crackers.  I love it.  It was the first time I have made that.  Hopefully it will get even better as it sits for a bit.  I am SO exhausted, I am thinking about going to bed at 8pm!  This weekend took a lot out of me. 

I got this email today.  I am so pissed at the person who sent it to me.  I don't know how to respond, or if I even should.  Argh!!  I don't know that I will ever be able to look at or talk to this person in the same way again.  I'm really upset because I liked this person, his spouse, and his daughter.  It's painful to anyone who has had difficulty having a baby or who has had to make any sort of decision about how to proceed, so read with caution.  If you're having a bad day, you might want to skip it.  Want to Create a Human? WAIT JUST A MINUTE! It can happen to the best of us. You see a cute, smiling baby in the market or post office. Or maybe it's a giggling toddler playing in the park. You take one look, and the next thing you know, you're walking down the baby food aisle at the local supermarket. If you're like most of us, falling in love with a baby is easy. And no wonder! Sharing your home with drooling mini-you can be one of life's greatest

As I had mentioned before, we went to the observatory last weekend. I took a lot of pictures of the view, but none of the observatory itself! I hope B got some. Here is a small sampling. The view towards the ocean- you can sort of see it in the back: The Hollywood sign: Sun setting over the ocean: The city lights come on as the sun goes gets lower: Don't forget to stop by Mel's and see what the rest of the group is sharing!

Boys and their bon.ers! I can't believe it! This 12 year old who I am tutoring is getting a bon.er while we are working! He wears the tight skinny jeans, and the last two times he has unbuttoned the jeans, because I think they get uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable! His mom is a friend/coworker. I don't know how to address this! Maybe I'll write some word problems for next time about mom buying bras, or tampons, or grandma getting underwear, or something equally turnoff-ish. Any ideas? What really turns off men(boys)?

We still haven't talked. I want to, but it doesn't happen. Maybe tomorrow. I still need to get to the grocery store. I needed to go last week, but things came up every day. Maybe tomorrow. The house is still a mess. I still have a lot of laundry to do. It is still sitting next to the washing machine. The scale is still stuck ending in a 6.

Man, parents can really be a pain in the butt!  I've never had to defend the behavior grades like I've had to do this year.  This is really nuts!  I wish that I artificially inflated their behavior grades so that I could avoid this.  It's 1st grade for crap's sake.  These parents can't deal with the fact that their kids aren't perfect!  It drives me crazy!  Please don' do that.  Don't be that crazy parent.  I guess the good news is that I am 1/3 done with conferences, in one day.  The rest are spread over the week, with most Tomorrow and Thursday.  I have a before school one tomorrow, and I hate that!  I have been so bad about getting there early, and I have to make sure I do tomorrow.  Ok, enough work vent.  I want to talk to B about the donor sperm, and I know he wants to talk to me, but it never works.  We need to figure this out.  Frustrating! 

I did something today that I've been meaning to do for awhile, aside from putting the Halloween decorations away and cleaning the house.  I pulled the pants storage bin out from under the bed.  I think I've mentioned before that I have pants in a wide range of sizes, and that I hate them.  I've run out of space, and it is so hard to remember which pair of jeans or slacks fit.  I took 3 pair of work pants and 1 pair of jeans out of the smaller-sized bin, and put in 5 pair of too-big pants.  I didn't try on all of the smaller ones, but they looked like they might work.  Tomorrow will be a fun day figuring out what to wear!  The weight loss is still stalled.  I have been stable for two weeks at a total of 22 pounds lost.  Another 20 or so would be incredible, but I don't know if I can do/maintain it.  I hate this plateau!  I just hope that when I go in for my annual soon, she notices the weight loss, since she commented on the weight gain last year.  There are som

Gotta get a post in before midnight, my time. I figure this whole post a day thing works on my time, and by my clock right now, I have 32 minutes. This whole post a day thing is hard. I knew it would be, but still. I am glad that it has helped me get some of my thoughts into posts, or posts to come. Today was fun. We went to Griffith observatory, and wandered around. Then, we went to dinner at one of our favorite LA restaurants that we rarely get to, since we hate to go into the city at all. It's amazing how long 30ish miles can take one way, and how fast it can go later! All in all, it was a good day. Lots of things worked out for us, that we were not expecting. I'll get a picture or two up soon!

So glad it's the weekend. It will be a good weekend too, if only because I totally finished and printed my report cards today. We've got some house work and potentially a fun adventure planned. Right now, I'm exhausted! Happy Friday!

A lot of bad things have been happening to a lot of people around me. Lots of death, sickness, and other crappy, crappy things. It's hard to know what to say, but I've had too much experience in too many areas. This summer, I wrote an email to a grieving friend. I've now taken it, altered it appropriately, and sent it to 4 other people. Much of it applies more to publicly 'acceptable' grief, which I guess means grieving over things people understand, have experienced, or can empathize with. I wish that people understood/I could more easily share my grief over the azoospermia . So many people take their easy conceptions for granted.  How do I explain the decimation of my dreams to them?  I wish fertiles would not say stupid things that those not as lucky go into hiding. I wish that others who have a difficult time getting or staying pregnant could get the support that they need from people in their lives without judgment.  Here is most of the text, less personal

When ttc started to take longer than expected, I hoped it was a little problem with me. I hoped I was having ovulation issues, since my charts showed a short LP. I wanted it to be me, because I knew that B would not take it well if it was an issue with him. When my baby-making world crashed, last New Year's eve, I have been thinking about why guys base so much esteem on their sperm. I don't know where the pride comes from, if it is a continuing on their family line thing or a providing for their partner thing. I feel like for B, it comes more from wanting to give me what I want. I know he feels like he is letting me down. I try to reassure him all I can. I know he also doesn't want others to think that he can't provide for me or think that he is less of a man. With the donor sperm thing, his biggest issue is that it would biologically be someone else's baby in me, not his. He's also worried about raising a child that isn't biologically his, not think

I overate tonight.  We went out for B's birthday dinner, and I always eat to much at this restaurant, but it is so yummy, and I can't help it.  I did eat a little less than normal, but still too much!  I hope it doesn't set me back too much with the weight loss.  I've been stuck and plan to kick-up the elliptical.  I guess tomorrow is the perfect day to start, since I don't go to have to work.  Also tomorrow, I'm gonna go meet the baby.  She's one of us.  Her last fresh cycle ended in miscarriage, and she had 2 of her 3 frozen transferred, and now a 9 pound baby.  She's been supportive of me, and will continue to be.  It's still going to hurt, but I hope that her baby will be sort of a sign of hope.  We shall see!  I'll let you know tomorrow! 

My friend had a baby the other day.  It was a FET, and I mentioned it here.  I want to visit, but I don't at the same time.  I know she really wants me to come.  It's hard to know what to do.  I hope that I can go for her.  I want it to not make me sad.  I want B to be totally ok with DS so that as we move forward, I can be confident that it will not all be for nothing.  I know there are still a lot of things, and that there is no guarantee, but I figure if we can get to DS, that gives us the best chance.  We haven't talked for a while about it, and I don't want to bring it up... at least not until after the weekend.  There's a lot to go over, and I want to get the process started soon.  I told B that we need to start things with his brother by January to make sure we had enough time. 

Well, the trip far exceeded my expectations. Everything was really fun and really nice. We spent time with old friends and made some new ones. The wedding was perfect, and I truly enjoyed seeing the happiness on my friends' faces. Only one or two questions about when we're having kids, but I kept myself fairly intoxicated to make it known that I'm not pregnant to avoid some inquiries. It seemed to work. I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow! I need a day to recover. There is a lot I have been thinking of to write about, but I can't remember it now. I need to start a list, I guess. It's been nice having fun and laughing again.

Had a great time last night with my old friend. Hopefully tonight will be as good!

This weekend has some great potential. Off to San Francisco in a few minutes for a wedding. Tonight we are going to be visiting some of my friends, including one of my good friends from high school, who I just got back in touch with after 8 years or so. We're also going to see my best friend from college, who I love. She has such a good spirit. Tomorrow is a wedding! Two of my good friends from college are getting married to each other! I knew them separately and perhaps even brought the two of them together, because the groom started hanging out with us more when he wanted to date me! That was 9 years ago! We went on a few dates, but didn't have chemistry. We became good friends and he'd still come to some of our parties, where he met his future bride- the roommate of another friend. I think I'll have fun!

In preparing for my weekend trip, I started cleaning out an old backpack for the plane.  I reached in and found a necklace that B gave me 7 years ago that I lost 5 years ago.  I decided to wear it to the wedding this Saturday.  I hope it brings us luck. 

At school (work) the kids can dress up for Halloween, as long as they dress as a character from a book or as someone in a helping profession. I followed suit, and dressed as the character from one of my favorite picture books, The Princess Knight . It was a very last minute costume, but it seemed to work fine! Go head over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is sharing!

Sunday's birthday party for my dead brother went well. Most of his best friends came. It was really nice to hear them tell stories about him and give their impressions of him. I could hear his voice through them. It was also really interesting to hear how all of us experienced similar grand losses of time. I barely remember my class last year and the end of the school year. I don't know why my memory is so gone, but am glad that I am not the only one. I think my brain was/is too overwhelmed to form trivial, lasting memories. I really feel like a lot is missing. My mom did really well on Sunday and has been in good spirits when I've talk to/seen her. We got her Beatles Rockband, and she loves it! She called me and wants to learn to use the PS3 on her own, because usually my stepdad does it. I thought it would be a good distraction for her, since she loves to sing and has always wanted to play drums. It was a good thing we did this. I think it was nice for all.

So, I think I am going to try NaBloPoMo this year. The idea behind National Blog Posting Month is to post every day in the month of November. So, if I do this right, you will be hearing from me every day, and I'll have at least 30 posts in November! This is a good month for me to do this, sort of, because I have a decent amount of time off. My trouble is going to be next Saturday, when I am out of town. That is the only day that I don't know what to do. I can post before we leave on Friday, and after we get home on Sunday, but Saturday is a mystery to me! You should try too! It might be fun. Plus, it might be interesting to see what kind of posts come out for me. So far, I'm 2 for 2! Oh yay, Monday. Back to work. I'd rather go back to bed!

Today would have been my little brother's 26th birthday. I still can't believe he is gone . It is just ridiculous to me. When I go to my mom's house, I still expect him to come bounding down the stairs, talking loudly on the phone. Or banging on the piano, trying to figure out how to play some techno or video game song. I'm so worried about my mom with all of this. This is a bad time of year for her anyway. Her birthday is on Tuesday- she came home from the hospital with my brother on her birthday. I don't know how she is going to handle this. She is having around 20 of his friends over today for a gathering. It's going to be hard, but hopefully it will be good. I think the energy from those kids will be good for her. I hope it will be good for me too.